Some surf spots have those signs up with a funny cartoon about wave etiquette don’t they? But factories/surf shops don’t do the same for boards. Well, muddle on in uncoded, anarchic darkness no longer…

1. Inside the vehicle is always preferable over roof rack. Roof racks are the last resort, even if that means compromising safety/comfort/upholstery.

2. Respect cultural differences: In Europe, it’s never boards on roof rack fins forward, (apart from longboards). In California, it’s quite the opposite, ALWAYS fins up and forward on ALL boards. If you ever happen to attach a board to roof rack fins down in any part of the world, it’s OK for fellow surfers/secret police to flash you, pull you over and punch you in the face.

3. It’s OK to carry two to the beach, one under each arm, with girl/boy friend 3 paces behind like a pro, but bear in mind it’s also OK for anyone witnessing to think ‘What a cunt’.

4. Waxing the tail pad is OK if you’re not on one of the ASP tours, so long as you rip. If you’re not sure if you rip, you don’t. If you are sure that you rip, you don’t.

5. If you swap boards by your own suggestion, you have to let them swap back after one wave if they want. Conversely, if someone asks to swap with you but then immediately wants their own board back, it’s OK to say ‘one more’ but get at least three.