The internet eh? Eveyone has something to say. 98 per cent of course, is utter tripe. And yet amongst the haters and the trolls, the diabolical punctuation use and the foul language, sometimes some shiny diamonds sparkle in the comment and forum turd pile. Here we found amongst Australian mag Stab’s excellent coverage of the Quik Pro a lengthy report by a punter and poster called Liam (if in fact that is his real name). It’s so satirically good that in true internet style, we stole it and printed it below. Obviously we can’t vouch for the veracity of this report (so please don’t call the lawyers) but it gave us a a giggle and is a damn site better than some of the stuff us so called experts write.
Day 9 of the Quiksilver Pro
6:30 am: Snake is nowhere to be found. The quiksilver execs are frantically scrambling for some guidance on what to do. They call up John Schmooka who says to go on hold till 9:30.
7:30 am: Snake pulls up, sees some fun waves coming through and calls the contest off for the day. The quiksilver execs can’t figure out what to do and tell them that they already put it on hold until 9:30. Snake yells “fark off you cunts.” He’s still drunk and reeks of rum and the cheap perfume favored by the local brothels.
9:30 am: By this point Snake is sufficiently drunk again to be in a somewhat better mood. He puts the contest on hold for another hour just to piss everybody out and to delay the heats till the higher tide knowing full well that high tide will shut the waves down during the parko/dane heat and knowing that dane won’t grovel so he will lose.
10:00 am: Snake is seen telling the remaining girls that the roxy pro is on and to start warming up. Rebecca Woods and Courtney Conologue are the only ones left, hoping their boyish looks will enable them to sneak into the men’s expression session. They reply that the comp has already ended. Snake says “shut up you cunts and get to warming up” as he goes back to warming himself up.
10:30 am: Snake has dissapeared once again, but knowing the waiting period is running out, the quiksilver execs just call the contest on. They don’t surf and know nothing about waves, but they do know something about timing and manage to make the first semi ok decision of the entire contest.
2:00 pm: Snake and John Schmooka are seen tandem surfing nude at Kirra. Schmoo is holding Snake over his heat and snake is outstretched like super man. Schmoo has a massive(for him) erection. It’s an awkward scene and many of the surfers in the lineup decide to go in.
4:30 pm: Snake and Schmoo are scene skipping through Surfers Paradise together holding hands. It appears that Schmoo may have slipped Snake some ecstasy as he hasn’t appeared this happy in years.
6:00 pm: Snake sends the quiksilver execs a video of him dancing in a club. There’s no text or informative information at all. They are worried.
by Liam 24 hours ago Respond Report Rate this (24)
Day 10 of the Quiksilver Pro
5:00 am: The ecstasy Snake took the night before is wearing off. He has a pounding headache and can’t figure out for the life of him why Schmoo is laying naked in his bed.
6:30 am: Snake is at the contest site on time for the first time the whole event. However, he is far from sober and is scene throwing chairs around the event site for no reason in particular. The quiksilver execs are worried and decide to put the contest on hold as fun looking 3-4 ft waves roll through at snapper.
7:30 am: Snake has taken enough vicodin and cocaine to numb his hangover and he appears to be in a happy daze when interviewed for the morning show. Rosie Hodge appears creeped out.
9:30 am: The tide is coming up and the waves aren’t as good as the previous two weeks. Snake calls the contest on for a 10:30 start. He begins texting Courtney Conologue pictures of his penis. She is disturbed by the sight of them, a penis is one thing she was hoping she’d never have to see.
10:30 am: The contest starts, Snake has already left, the waves are average at best but most of the Surfers are relieved to finally have the contest running. It has been two weeks of the contest going on hold every other hour until it is eventually called off because Snake is drunk or no one can find him.
12:00 pm: Snake shows back up at the contest site and the webcast team mistakenly shoves a camera is his face. Snake appears loaded on cocaine and somewhat cheery as he says “Time to go monitor the conditions at Kirra boys!” The camera pans out as Snake grabs his board and wetsuit and goes out for a surf at perfect chest high kirra. Out front the waves are slopey and reminiscent of steamer lane.
2:00 pm: Snake exits the surf and feels his hangover creeping back. He retreats back to Occy’s house where he is treated with Oxycontin and vicodine. Much better he thinks to himself as he downs a double glass of vodka.
4:30 pm: Snake sends a picture of an overweight pregnant stripper to the quiksilver execs. He texts them “Comp is off you farking fargots.” Snake is drunk once again and the Quiksilver execs are concerned. Nevertheless they heed his call and the contest is called off for the day.
1:00 am: Snake is seen leaving the strip club with the aforementioned pregnant stripper. It does not look like he will be on time tomorrow. He texts the quiksilver execs an image of her breast feeding her other child with a message that says “Fark off!!!” They are concerned.