The surfing world is about to get all high on Steamer Lane radness… and that is just great. But before you dig that, dig our guide to the Golden State.

What is it, dude? America’s sexiest state, California has a bear on its flag and the sea on its left. The north is cold, foggy and sharky. The middle is not quite as cold, foggy but pretty sharky, while the south is sunny (but foggy in June), trafficky and fake booby-y.

What are the waves like, bro? You’ve probably heard of Mav’s… well that’s the exception rather than the rule. When there is a big swell from the north (Oct-March), you might score one of her splendid right points, the finest being Rincon in Santa Barbara, but the thing will only be overhead if it’s like 15-20ft. As a general rule, Orange County is always 2-3ft but kinda fun, except for the crowds. In the OC south swells also come to the party April – September. San Diego area has irie glassy reefbreaks at times, and was named after a whale’s snatch, according to Ron Burgundy.

Why bother, man? It’s a great place to feel generally superior. A superior driver of motor cars, one of sounder moral values, with a finer command of the English language, these are all things you’ll feel you’re better at. California is one of those places that makes one feel self-confident (hence why it’s full of nutters). It’s generally not one of those harsh places that breaks you.

Will you penetrate? 100% definitely. It’s known as a place where you’ll probably punch above your weight. Fact: All Californian women think they’re in a porno when in a lovemaking scenario, and rather than lie there breathing meekly or groaning, say stuff like, “Oh yah your cock’s the king of this pussy castle,” and “Oh yeah gimme that big cock oh yah that’s right like that oh yah uh-huh.” Cock is pronounced “cak”. They’ll get through an average human’s yearly word count in the time it takes you to blow your beans.

Surf nuances: Water is chilly, and some wear hoods but no boots. Fruity! Roundhouse cutbacks are the staple, like burritos. Folk talk a lot in the surf, and rarely drive/do anything/check surf without a litre of coffee in an aluminium receptacle in hand.

Boards: Don’t bring any. Seriously, get em there. Fish, logs, displacement hulls, high-perf whatevers, eggs, guns, etc etc etc, they got em. They got em in awesome resin tints too. Bring a large, empty board bag and fill that shit for taking home.

Listen to: Tupac & Dre’s, The Rivieras’, Led Zep’s and Irene Kral’s rousing odes to the Golden State.