It’s genital season! Following the unprecedented popularity of our Cold Water Cock Care, we thought we’d throw up an all-weather tackle guide.

You get tips on how to look after your board, wetsuit, car, back, knees etc etc but what about your manhood? Arguably your most defining appendage! Indisputably your favourite!

Illustration by Ward

BONER IN WETSUIT/BOARDIES

– Let’s be honest, we’ve all had one, and it can be a really, really tricky. There are several reasons to get a boner in the surf, paddling behind and attractive, duckdiving man/woman, if the waves are really good… etc.

Trouble is, they are hard to get rid off. The standard ‘Nan on the toilet, nan on the toilet…’ doesn’t work in the sea for some reason, whilst lying on it only maintains the wood. Paddling with arched back bum-in-the-air is too obvious.

You can’t take off on a wave as it too obvious. Best is to roll off and swim a bit, trying to think about something asexual like ocean acidification or scart leads.

BELL END TRAUMA

– The old pinched bell end on kick out. Ouch! You kick out hard and fast (trying to be rad) but in your rapid lie down, get bell trapped under own weight against the deck of your board.

In extreme cases, sensation of crunched gristle, and a sharp pain. It is normal if your nads retreat in this situation, or any other genital trauma. No real cure except count to a hundred.

CHEF’S ASS

– Chef’s/tradeshow/Kuta ass is caused by hotness, humidity, chafing, perhaps not wiping enough. Chef’s ass can spread across Biffins Bridge into the nutsack/leg interface, where it can become red, angry, hot and inflamed. The ideal remedy is a shower (might sting though) followed by talc.

DOG BALLS (when they get really hot and hang really, really low)

– It can happen on a long car journey, for example. A troublesome, over-hot sack.

What you need to do is stop the car, stand by a field or cool meadow, grab your sack and spread it in the breeze using thumb and forefinger of both hands.

It’s a fact that breeze is good for your sack. Optional to also blow on it. On a long flight, sack can heat up 7 degrees* above usual comfort zone and get really clammy. If you don’t have a cool meadow on hand, go to the toilet, take it out and blow on it, and while you’re at it, wipe your bum, even if you haven’t done a poo.

BLUE BALLING

– Can be caused by an interrupted crank, unfinished intercourse, or it could be grinding, ‘dry rooting’, extended club kissing etc. These can all cause blue balls. The problem is the swimmers swim away, then stop and can’t go back. This can be serious. The only known remedy is to knock one out a.s.a.p.

PENIS TOO SMALL

– One Euro pro surfer we know bought one of those pump thingys, but it didn’t really work. The only remedy is to get a girlfriend with a modest aperture, which might be a slightly plump one.

Otherwise, you need to get really energetic and proactive in the lovemaking scenario. As another pro surfer (Rob Page) once famously said, “I can’t touch the end but I can bash the shit out of the sides…”

PENIS TOO BIG

– The problem with the oversized dong is that it takes too much blood to get a boner, and a semi floppy often results. Popular remedies are Viagra like drugs, which can cause heart attacks. Otherwise, cut down on cranks.