The modern professional surfer leads no easy life. From the first coffee (and instagram) of the day, through the surf checks, training sessions, surfs, facebook updates, comps, board artwork, partner updates, dinners, and finally bed, their main job is to let us know exactly what is going on in their supremely interesting lives at every opportunity. However to track them all, even for one day is impossible. Lucky for you though, this weeks Surf Burp sorts through the digital poo of the sponsored masses and takes you through a composite journey through a single digital day.
8am: The Surf Check – of course checking the waves is integral to being a surfer, although not as integral as making sure everyone knows you are checking the surf. Hence the following morning posts.
10.00am: Post Surf Check Coffee
There is nothing more satisfying than that first cup of tooth rot in the morning, except of course posting a photo of your first cup of tooth rot. The only thing more wanky than posting your Cortadito is posting your Cortadito with the NYC skyline in the background and saying something double cunty like “This is the best coffee in Brooklyn…”
12.00: Training Session
It’s now a scientifically proven fact that training for surfing, is actually more beneficial for you than actually surfing. Additionally wrestling with grown men is as biometrically close to riding a tube as you can get, just more sweaty and with added testosterone. The end goal is to eradicate riding waves from your weekly schedule completely. Note: Must say ‘da boyz’ with every post, just in case we mistake those figures you have your arms around as something else.
2.00 pm: Share the Love
Professional surfers often have attractive partners, so post train, it’s not a bad idea to publish a few images of your loved one, ideally looking pretty hot. Lacking a girlfriend, Jon Jon’s mum often fills the role. Note: You never seem to get selfies of NapkinApocalyse in her smalls setting back Women’s Rights forty years do you? Thank fook for that…
4.00: Afternoon Animal Petting Shot
At four o’clock every professional surfer is forced to go out and pat an exotic animal. Incentive clauses in contracts stipulate the more wilder the animal the bigger the bonus. Lions, tigers and snakes score big, while here Granger Larson barely fulfills his obligations with a piss poor kangaroo.
Its dinner time right? For professional surfers, that’s means a four dudes (or dudettes) sitting in a booth, talking about their day and swapping social media stories, tweeting the menu and maybe finishing off with a cocktail and bed with their favourite stick. It’s been a tough day, but tomorrow is a new day to be documented. There’s followers out there, they just have to find them. In a trademark display of surfing’s originality, every fucker at the table takes the same photo and posts so that scrolling down your news feed reads like some kind of recurring bad daydream.
But! We couldn’t leave you without the sunset could we? Hashtag sunset will get you followers!
Thanks Hodei… you still going…?!?
Thanks Gilmore! You’re somewhat over-rated although we’d love to, obviously…
Thanks Coco! (See above)