A large ginger man named John the Bastard used to terrorize the poor children of Crowbags. He was a hair dresser, he was fat, his thin 80’s belt cut into his guts so he had like another belly underneath his belly where his pecker should have been. As he cut your hair, it used to drop onto the pecker belly and stick, which he’d prod into your side and tickle you with. Just the thought of it makes me shudder. He had a gruff voice, ginger hair and beard and thought someone who likes both girls and boys was called a ‘bio-sexual’.

He didnt so much snip the scissors as rip your hair out sideways with them. It hurt a lot. Pez Fuzz reckons John the B used to use his own ear wax as gell to style his fuzz, although Pezz reckons a lot of things so we’ll take that with a pinch of salt. Undergraduates of the esteemed Wheelbarrow School would sit nervously on Alan’s aged vinyl couch and if John the B finished first, the bravest of boys would do the wise thing and say, “I’ll wait for Alan.” Thousands didn’t though. In the corner was a hand written sign which said ‘ALAN HAS NO TELEPHONE’, which was made circa 1979 and could well be still there.

Anyhows, turns out John the B stole cash from a whip round for a seriously ill little girl, got rumbled by CCTV and got busted all over the Daily Mail and The Mirror. He has since had his barber’s certificate removed and could well end up in Broadmoor.

I’m in Sanary for a wedding, near Marseilles. It’s blowing about 100 mph cross shore and I’m sure there’s a wave someone around this fucker but I’ve got drinking and marrying to do. I flew with ryanair Biarritz to Marseille, which was great. Seeing as it was an internal French flight, they flipped the script on unsightly Polish stewardesses with one leg fatter than the other and boils on their noses, and got in some slim french hostesses, which was great. There was a France vs England golf match this morning. The French team lost two of their best players (doctors with swine flu, no less!) but must still be favourites due to home field advantage and the tricky swirling wind. Stay tuned for full results.