He might be, seeing as lent ended yesterday, on Holy Saturday. So I guess some people, possibly including the ghost of Biggie Smalls (whose lyrics make up the title of this drivel) would feel inclined to make up for lost time by getting on it right away.

It’s Easter Sunday today. Happy Easter. But not everyone is happy.

For example, one of the top dogs in the Church of England, The Archbishop of York, John Sentamu. He isn’t happy. What’s annoyed him on this day of days isn’t some of the more apparent evils of the world being perpetuated all around us. He’s upset about the footie. Sentamu has attacked as “glory hunting” the decision to stage Premiership football matches between Aston Villa and Everton, and Manchester City and Fulham, on Easter Sunday.

His outburst against sport reminded me of two trips I have made to the Outer Hebrides, where religious fanaticism runs rife. Over there, they don’t like it if you try and surf on a Sunday. They block gates so you can’t access the spots, and generally look really pissed off the whole day. Ironically enough, the local sect there is called the ‘Free Church of Scotland’. I wonder if they are referring to the fact that you don’t have to pay to get in (like girls on Thursday nite, Ladies’ nite in nightclubs), or the fact that the congregation are mostly libertine, open minded, non-slaves to doctrine…

If I were God (my mum has made it pretty clear to me from an early age that I’m not) I dont think I’d be too upset about people playing football, or going surfing on Sunday, or any other day of the week. I mean, depending on how bad you surfed, or how badly you played the game of footie of course, but on the list of crimes carried out by inhabitants of Earth today, I’d guess these two were somewhere down on the list. It’s hard to know, difficult to empathize, seeing as we don’t know if God is a man, woman or indeed hermaphrodite (like so much of the animal kingdom He is attributed as having created).

But still, I’d like to think that He’d be slightly more troubled by the fact that one billion children live in poverty (1 in 2 worldwide), that the GDP of the 40 poorest countries (567 million people) is less than the wealth of the world’s 7 richest people, and that less than one per cent of what the world spends every year on weapons is needed to put every child in school.

You know, things like that.

But no, He’s just flaming about the fact that Ashley Young is going to skin Phil Neville and whip in a cross onto Gaby Abonglahore noggin while tens of thousands of people cheer, and about the fact that countless people are going to do trim along wave faces, and kick out, smiling. Oh the shame of it! The evil!

With the likes of Sentamu being handed the mic, it’s little wonder really that more people in UK take ecstasy on Saturday night than go to church on Sunday morning.

If you do decide to incur the wrath of the big guy (Jehovah, not Notorious) and have a splash today, have a good un. I’ll see you in hell.


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