There are two crazes sweeping da North Shore, all powerful, all consuming. The first is a fruit called açaí, the other is saying ‘Can’t wait to get out of here…’

1. Locals and visitors alike are literally falling over each other to ingest this acai gear. It’s a berry from a species of the heart of palm plant native to Central and South America, the name comes from a European adaptation of the Tupian word ïwasa’i (fruit that cries water’). Up and down are various establishments peddling this fruit, and they are doing a roaring. “Can I ‘get‘ an Acai bowl?” is a chorus being sung by a choir of ever increasing numbers. Crew are forking out beaucoup greenbacks and thinking they are killing it, guzzling a mush of frozen imported berries and honey, mixed with cereal.

Apparently is doesn’t strike anyone else as a tad odd that here, on a tropical island with amazingly rich soil, a place where while you’re eating an apple by the time your get to the core the pips are already trying to start a Kent-ish style apple orchard from the sheer voracity of vegetative growth that people feel the need to consume a fruit that is flown in on an aeroplane from the other side of the world. I mean, you can grow pretty much any and every fruit n’ veg you would ever want, right here in your backyard, for free. But no, we need the one from the Amazon, only that can sustain me, because it’s a ‘super’ food…..

This is what wikipedia had to say about the ‘superfood’ characteristics of Acai :

false claims include reversal of diabetes and other chronic illnesses, as well as expanding size of the penis and increasing men’s sexual virility and sexual attractiveness to women.

As of March 2009, there are no scientifically controlled studies backing up any of these claims. In late 2008, lawyers for The Oprah Winfrey Show began investigating alleged statements from supplement manufacturers who suggested that frequent Oprah guest Dr. Mehmet Oz had recommended their product or açai in general for weight loss. The average antioxidant capacity was ranked lower than that of pomegranate juice, Concord grape juice, blueberry juice, and red wine.

2. Second only to the acai in terms of popularity over here right now among visitors is saying “I can’t wait to get out of here,” invariably by people from the Northern Hemisphere who are here as part of their job, i.e. people who are being paid to be in Hawaii in November/December. Actually, there’s more, most of them are being paid to be here as part of their job, and their ‘job’ is, wait for it… to go surfing, or to stand on a beach under coconut palm trees and document surfing.

Oh yes, get me back home! How I wish I was back in Northern Europe, where it currently gets dark at 4pm and is freezing cold! What a nightmare this gig is. Or, how I wish I wasn’t being paid (in Euros, GB pounds or US dollars) to surf or stand on a tropical beach under a coconut palm watching surfing, I wish I could be one of the 25,000 children (according to the UN) that die each day due to poverty in the world.

Here for ‘work’: Charly of Stab and ‘Ing mags. Photo: Doisneau

Here for ‘work’: Him. Neither of these guys are the people I’m referring to, these are just the only pics I had of people here for ‘work’ looking semi-comedic. Photo: Magnum/PE.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must dash. I’m off for an Acai bowl and a bottle of Fiji Water. That’s right, Fiji Water. It’s mineral water taken from the ground in Fiji (a place where over half the population have no running water or sewage) and flown on planes to all parts of America, including the Hawaiian Isles, which of course happens to be home to the place that receives highest amount of rainfall of anywhere on Planet Earth. Then I’m going to change my ticket, rush home, hand in my notice, pack my stuff and get a one way ticket to a refugee camp in Darfur. Fuck this for a game of soldiers.

This place is minging. I can’t believe I let the boss exploit me and send me here. I wish I was back working nightshift packing ballbearings in Bracknell for £3.20/hour