Alcohol is a rather popular drug among inhabitants of Earth, known for inducing chat, dance, nausea, fist fights and sex, not necessarily (but possibly) in that order. Physicists claim that in moderation, alcohol can extend life expectancy, whilst in immoderation, severely shorten it. All sorts of bad health effects result from booze, which kills about 2.5 million people globally per year. It can also cause you to not to be able to get a stiffy, when you’d much rather have one.
Alcohol – a drug found in beer – induces fighting, song, kebabs, perceived beauty, swearing and lovemaking… not necessarily in that order. Photo: Laurel
Poppers (Amyl Nitrate)
Legal in UK as long as not sold for human consumption (sold in sex shops as a ‘deodorizer’). Poppers, when sniffed, give a sudden, short lived head rush whilst simultaneously loosening the bum muscles, and thus are popular among some members of the homosexual community. Dangers come in form of going blind, heart problems, as well being poisonous if drunk. Neither loose anal sphincters, nor blindness nor heart palpitations have ever been linked to good surfing, although at the same time, no scientific evidence exists either that proves a surfer fell on take-off due to his bumhole being too open.
Legend has it that the Chinese Emperor Shennong accidentally invented tea in China around 3000BC, whilst coffee’s stimulating powers are believed to have been discovered when an Ethiopian goat herder, Kaldi discovered his goats became less drowsy after eating coffee berries. Today, caffeine is also found in chocolate and Red Bull, which makes Formula 1 cars go faster and helps top surfers make ends meet. Few studies have been undertaken to show caffeine’s influence on surfing performance, but I can absolutely guarantee that I surf better after 2-3 cups of morning coffee, without which, I may well miss the dawnie altogether. Side effects include the dreaded shakes, incontinence, insomnia and panic attacks.
The working ingredient in cigs, with a powerful addiction considered stronger than that of heroin or cocaine. It might have been Mrs McClusky from Grange Hill who said “The best way to give up smoking is never to start.” Each year across the world, cigs kill more people than alcohol, all illegal drugs, all wars, murder and Aids/HIV put together, which is fairly gnar-gnar, no?