Donny has been caught out before, just like the rest of us, and has had to improvise by using bandanas, other people’s moustaches, guitar plectrums. If only he’d known how to economise and wipe with one!

HOW TO WIPE YOUR BUM WITH ONE PIECE OF TOILET PAPER

Everyone is on the less-is-more tip right now. And the more you apply that logic to things you do regularly, the more goodness you are doing to our ellipsoidal green n’ blue spinning spaceship, HMS Planet Earth.

One of the things everyone does everyday, apparently even attractive women too (I only found this out recently, imagine my shock!) is number two’s. Poo poo, bum rubbish, caca. Yep everyone’s got a hole, and everyone needs to know how to take care of it.

While the whole scrunch vs. fold thing is an ancient and holy debate that we won’t go into today, there is also third way, championed by the British Armed Forces, no less.

Coz when you’re on a mission deep in enemy terrain, you don’t want to be carrying around masses of bog roll with you. You simply wipe with one.

1. Take just one piece of toilet paper. Just one little square of the stuff.

2. Fold it in half, and then fold it in half again. Now you have a small square, 1/4 the size of the original piece.

3. Rip off a small piece of the corner, so that you have a hole. Keep the piece you ripped off to one side for now… you’ll be need it later.

4. Put your finger through the whole, about 1-2cm through, max.

5. Now wipe using your finger. You only have one go at this, so get it right. Don’t injure yourself, but don’t hold back either. Try not to enjoy it too much – that’s weird.

6. Pull the paper off the finger, wiping the finger as you go.

7. Take the corner piece you ripped off and clean under your finger nail.

8. Wash your hands.

If there’s someone you don’t like that much in the vicinity, e.g. your little sister’s boyfriend, feel free to skip 8. and give that fella a nice warm handshake.

Missed ‘How To: Poo Away From Home In Comfort & Style’?

Read it here