HOW BUT HOW DO I WEAR SHORTS AND STAY WARM?

Everybody – except the ginger haired – surfs better in shorts.

Free of the neoprene shackles, it takes you half a second less to pop to your feet.

You’re lighter, looser and happier, your skin sings with excitement, your bare epidermis makes joyous, magical music with the salts and solutes of the primeval soup.

But how come some surfers can surf in shorts when others are still in booties?

It can’t just be down to cocaine, can it?

1. Put on a bit of weight. A nice layer of subcutaneous fat will insulate you in the same way it does seals, whales and Nic von Rupp. Be careful about supersizing every Value Meal though, you still want to be able to corkscrew through those rodeos.

2. Think quick, high impact hit. Less of the four hour sesh with 25 minute lulls, more of the jump in, tear the lineup a new one, get out. Our experts reckoned that even on way too cold days you can bang out 25 minutes of concise shreddery before you start to die.

3. Keep moving. Paddling around constantly might be socially unacceptable, but fuck whatever, everyone else is doing it! It’ll keep you a heck of a lot warmer, hey you might even catch more waves. Surfing a rip bowl against the prevailing current e.g. a left in SW France means you’ll stay warmer just trying to stay in the putain de lineup.

4. Stop crying. Seriously. Cold water might be your last chance at being gnarly. Assuming you’re never going to paddle Jaws, braving cold water might be one of the only ways you can do something manly in the surf. If 89-year-old women can cut a hole in the ice in Hyde Park and jump in the Serpentine for a daily swim in January in their cozzies, you can trunk it in mid summer, you fucking pussy.

5. Cold water famously shrinks the urino-reproductory organs, but it does have other health benefits. It’s good for your heart, circulation, can relieve pain and swelling. If you’re worried that your manhood might never recover, don’t. Some of the SE staff have got unfeasibly tiny penises and that’s never stopped them from having amazing careers, beautiful wives and fast cars.

6. Above all, get a modern wetsuit top.

“If you’re worried that your manhood might never recover, don’t. Some of the SE staff have got unfeasibly tiny penises and that’s never stopped us from having amazing careers, beautiful wives and fast cars”