How to poo away from home in comfort and style

Some people have a real problem with away fixtures… A guy at school had to run home every time he needed a shit (he went on to represent Great Britain at middle distance).

The most important thing is to remember to relax and enjoy yourself. If you gotta go, it might as well be fun. Being able to play away comfortably, similarly to liking seafood, makes travel that bit easier.

1. Public conveniences. Pick your cubicle carefully. Probably not the closest one to the door. Animals generally naturally feel more protected in a corner, so think about avoiding that too if you don’t want to use the most heavily-sessioned throne. Try not to read the graffiti, it’ll only unsettle you. Don’t rush, but don’t dilly-dally. Haste not speed.

2. Outdoors. A great place to go… In today’s modern society, most people don’t get to do this enough. Pick a secluded spot but not an obvious, well-used spot. Get your angle of your squat right, (wide stance, face up the slope). The absolute last thing you want to do is relieve yourself directly in to your own garments (it’s been done, trust me).

3. Dawn Patrol Outdoors. Just because it’s 6am and dark, don’t think you can poo wherever you want and get away with it. Just last week at Mundaka, a friend ‘disappeared’ for a poo in the pre-dawn check. Hours later, we happened to exit the water with a friendly, hospitable local who insisted on showing us where the shower down on the rocks was. There was only one shower on, right on the end. And guess what was piled up on the concrete…? Awkward.

4. Small apartment/en suite. Try the Pap Baffler. This involves putting bog roll in the bowl so it doesn’t splash and make noise. If the paper resource is low and acoustics are good, you can try coughing on impact. Try to form a seal around the seat with your cheeks to keep sound in.

5. Bathroom. The old favourite is to turn the taps on loud. Open the window. Give the air freshener a little squirt, but don’t go mental with it, it draws attention. If this is a morning after a one-night stand scenario, try to go immediately after any likely parties have brushed their teeth, rather than just before.

6. First impression. Never poo the first time you go around someone’s house, or within the first minute of arriving unless they are a relative with the same last name (not in-laws) or you have known them for at least 15 years. Otherwise, relations between you will always be strained.

Mexico… one of those places you might be more likely to need all the no.2 advice you can get…