I think it was that great philosopher Balzac, or maybe that other great thinker Occy, who once said, “If you can’t be good, be good at it.” But just how good a surfer are you? And I ain’t talkin’ about your tuberiding skills or how high you can punt here. No, I’m asking whether your moral compass points true north. Whether you’d opt for the high surfing ground over a low, low tide barrel. Well, take the karmic quiz to see if you are closer to MR or Tom Morey. And no cheating folks, you’re only cheating yourself.
1) Last weekend you agreed to help a good friend move house the following Saturday. Saturday dawns and your local is the best it’s been since Jesus was in nappies. Do you:
A) Forego the surf; help your buddy, knowing that at some stage in the future, you might be in the same position. (4 karmic cookies)
B) Ring him up, tell him the surf is too good, and pay someone else to help him move. (3 karmic cookies)
C) Call up, and sighting your very much alive Grannie’s death, opt out. (2 karmic cookies)
D) Stab your grannie in the neck, fatally, thus proving yourself with the ideal excuse, and go surfing, guilt free. (1 karmic cookie)
2) Jumping off the rocks at Coxos lands you, whether you like it or not, right on the inside, in pole position. Within five seconds, a three-wave set approaches. Do you:
A) Without a moment’s hesitation, swing round, take off and pull in, giving the finger to the crew looking in. (1 karmic cookie)
B) Leave the first wave, get yourself in position, and nail the second, bigger one of the set. (2 karmic cookies)
C) Leave the first two, then ask if anyone wants the third, and if not, swing under the axe (3 karmic cookies)
D) Leave the whole set to the crew waiting, and wait patiently in pole position for the next set. (4 karmic cookies).
3) In the car park after a late surf you find a wet 5/4/3 wetsuit on the ground, obviously left behind. Do you:
A) Pick it up, then on the following day place signs around the area trying to source its owner. (4 karmic cookies)
B) Place it on the fence, hoping that the owner will return before some other bastard steals it. (3 karmic cookies)
C) Check the size (it fits) and make (it’s new) and whack it in the boot – after all, your steamer was getting a little old. (2 karmic cookies)
D) Whack it in the car, then sell it to your best mate…. in exchange for heroin for your grandmother. (1 karmic cookie)
4) After an arduous journey through the depths of Indo, you and four mates get to surf the wave of your lives. Halfway through the first session, one of the boys breaks his leg. One person will have to take a couple of days to help the poor bastard get back to civilisation. Do you:
A) Just keep surfing, putting the blinkers on and hope everything will be okay. This despite your mate having a large bone sticking at right angles out his thigh. (1 karmic cookie)
B) Suss out the injury, pretend to faint, thus proving that you are the least qualified person to escort the injured party. Then go surfing. (2 karmic cookies)
C) Take charge, draw up short straws and decide fairly who is to go. (3 karmic cookies)
D) Without hesitation, put up your hand and take on the responsibility to make sure an injured friend is delivered to safety. (4 karmic cookies)
5) On a long romantic coastal walk, you accidentally discover what may be the most perfect peak in the world. Do you:
A) Swear yourself to secrecy and only return to surf it, alone, for all eternity. (4 karmic cookies)
B) Keep your discovery hush hush, and continue to surf it with just your close mates, all who have taken an oath, which if broken, is punishable by death. (3 karmic cookies)
C) Call up the Editor of Surf Europe and negotiate a to have an exclusive photo shoot, with you, of course, the first surfer to be photographed. (2 karmic cookies)
D) Call the owner of multi-national surf company, negotiate for them to buy naming rights for new WT event there, take the money and run. (1 karmic cookies.)
15-20 karmic cookies: If Nelson Mandela and Mark Richards decided to have a child, you would be that grom. You may miss a few waves here and there, but in the afterlife you’ll be hanging with the Andersons… Simon and Pam.
10-15 karmic cookies: You really wanna be good, but sometimes, your wave greed gets in the way. You’re the type of guy that drops in, but then apologies profusely. A life surfing with Tom Carroll awaits you in the next world.
5-10 karmic cookies: Oh dear, you really take this surfing thing serious, don’t you? Which is all fine and good, until the 150kg French Rugby international finds you wearing his son’s wetsuit
0-5 karmic cookies: You are the aborted result of a gangbang between Lance Burkart, Jonny-Boy Gomes and George Bush Jnr. You’d stab your Grannie in the neck for a four-foot tube, and have sex with your best mate’s 15 year-old daughter for a trip to G-land. Still not many people get more waves… or an afterlife as a used tampon.