Step 8: Eat Free

There are three principal ways you can achieve free lunch based on skill, cunning, physical and mental prowess. Just three.

The first is to became a man-whore gigalo who specialises in older women. You might find particular success in the cities of Tokyo, New York and Los Angeles. In return for pleasuring women of a certain age, you will be taken to restaurants at both lunch and dinner time, and you will order from fine menus. Perhaps it’s an award winning Finnish pop-up restaurant with a stark interior where you’ll eat smoked eel and herring tartare, which while expertly-prepared, unfortunately reminds you of the task ahead. Man whoring is not great for the soul, and there is little evidence it is good for your surfing.

The second is to frequent surfing competitions and masquerade as the media. In all honesty, you are probably three emails away from this, a couple of weeks before the event starts. Once you have received your press accreditation, you’ll be able to eat for free each day the event runs. ‘Free’ should probably be used in inverted commas, because the price you’ll pay is having to attend a surf contest. Yes, I know it seems odd for us to say it, but there is no clinical evidence that attending surf events is either good for your soul or your surfing, perhaps quite the contrary.

Thus the third and vastly preferable method…