Does surf news give you a hard on? Or does the latest competition results bring on a wide-on? Well for those surf CNN junkies out there here’s some bite-size news chunks that you can swallow and regurgitate later. Some of it is even true.

Jaws Off
The holding period for the Red Bull Jaws, Paddle at Pe’ahi has closed with this winter failing to provide the waves in the range of 30 to 50 feet combined with light to no winds needed. “It pays off to be patient and not force the event,”  Ian Walsh, the event creator, organiser, invitee and singlet hander outer said through gritted teeth. “I’m glad it wasn’t called on. All the calls the contest organizers made were spot on.” The event is now set to run for 2013/2014, once those 50 foot glassy conditions turn up.

More Big Wave News
In other news about men with giant testicles, did you know the fourth season (2012/2013) of the Big Wave World Tour has officially concluded? Of course you did. The winners will be 25 foot leashes at the catchily named Crowning of the Champion ceremony in California this weekend. Our spies tell us the winner will be Greg Long, while Europe’s highest placer is Maverick’s based charger and Portugeuse warrior Joao De Macedo. Bonus points and a free web bookmark if you can name last’s years champion?

Comp’s on at Lance’s Right
The Asian Surfing Championships has announced their first-ever Premium event, the Mentawai Pro presented by Rip Curl, is to be held at Lance’s Right in April. Rip Curl SE Asia Marketing Manager, the UK’s James Hendy said, “Rip Curl has a long history of Searching for the best waves in the remotest regions of the planet (in 2012 the event was held at Macaronis), so were are stoked to be back in our stomping ground of Northern Sumatra.” Which translates as, “I’ll be surfing Lance’s a lot over the next few months.” The back up venue of HT’s aint so bad either.

Wales To Create Artificial Wave…
It has been reported that newly-formed Conwy Adventure Leisure will hold a public consultation day later this month to give people the chance to see their multi-million pound plans to develop Surf Snowdonia. Based on the same principle as Spain’s Wave Garden, a disused Aluminium factory is to house Europe’s newest, wettest, coldest, artificial wave. Cllr Ronnie Hughes, Conwy’s cabinet member for economic regeneration, said: ““It would employ more than 100 people, three figures minimum.” With a handle on the maths like that, what could go wrong?

Bizness News
Stock Runway has quoted Quiksilver as a good retail buy saying, “It’s 52 weeks high price was $6.83 and suffered lowest price of $2.09 in the same period. ZQK (Quiksilver) has current ratio of 2.40 and its total debt-to-equity ratio is 1.38. It has market cap of $1.10 billion while its total outstanding shares are 167.19million. The stock beta value stands at 2.71 times.” Now there is a paragraph that screams surfing.
Meanwhile The Wall Street Journal has also cited an “unattributed” source as claiming Billabong International Ltd. has set a March 28 deadline for its two suitors to make final bids. Those two dance partners are VF Corp (Vans, Reef, Lee, North Face, Wrangler etc) and Sycamore Partners headed by former Billabong director Paul Naude. The unattributed source may have said, “they both value it at quite a lot, but a lot less than it was.”

Surf Europe Dot Com
An unattributed source has also claimed that surfeurope.com is the most improved surfing site on the web. “It is still utter shit,” said the source, “but it has improved marginally.”