WILL THE LOCALS BE MEAN TO ME?

At certain spots, they might be a bit… solemn, just like anywhere. but in general, you’re alright. Remember: Like the Canaries, boogieboarding is considered normal in Portugal, even amongst adult males, even ones who are like, 40 years old! I don’t know why you need to remember that, but hey.

MUST DO/DON’T DO

The Portuguese excel at languages but that’s no excuse for being lazy. Try to get some phrases going and you’ll have a better trip. Remember: it’s not Spain. Throwing a ‘gracias’ at em is a bit like calling a Glaswegian, ‘English’… not cool. J is said ‘J’ like in English not like ‘H’ as it is in Spanish. Hence it’s fucken Jose Mourinho, not Hose, dig? It’s also worth noting that the Portuguese never, ever insult each other. Seriously, nobody has ever called someone a ‘fucking stupid fucking cunt face cunt’. It just doesn’t happen. They do get animated when they talk though.

GET THERE

You can fly Easyjet to Lisbon and Porto from Gatwick for around £150 return, or Ryanair to Faro and Porto from Manchester for slightly less. If you drive down from France via the conventional route (Vitoria, burgos, Valladolid, Club Jamaica), it’ll take about 8 1/2 hours from biarritz to Ericeira, or around 10 hours to Sagres, and will cost about 100 Euros in fuel and tolls, depending on your donk.