Kelly. Photo:Timo

GOLF

WHAT IS IT? Based on the principle of hitting a small white ball long distances into a slightly bigger hole with the use of a stick. The first written record of golf is James II banning of the game in 1457, as an unwelcome distraction to learning archery, to kill the French. To this day it remains one of the most popular distractions in the sporting world. In 2013 Tiger Woods earned more than $8 million in prizemoney alone and that was between masturbating furiously and chasing big titted blonde waitresses, allegedly.

WHAT THE FUCK HAS IT TO DO WITH SURFING? Again, the art of whacking a ball, and then walking after it to do it again, a process which is repeated for five hours, doesn’t seem to be that close to getting tubed. On the other hand, the sport invokes rare passion, involves a degree of discipline, has a tech and equipment element and is outdoors, which may explain why surfers have taken to the sport with incredible zest, using it a common tool to fight off flat day boredom.

WHO DOES IT? What professional surfer doesn’t? Kelly Slater says he plays at least 150 rounds a year and despite only starting when he was 23, has a handicap of 3 and is the best golfer on the surfing tour. Julian Wilson is said to come a close second, while Jordy Smith, Dusty Payne and Bruce Irons are fanatics. Former pro Benji Weatherly had caddied for US Open champion Adam Scott at a PGA tour event, who happens to best mates with Wilson. Golf does suit those people who have both an excess of time and money, which is the job description of a professional surfer.

WHAT’S RIGHT WITH IT: Golf can be addictive and the thwack of sweetly hit drive weirdly provides a surge of adrenalin. Few sports also provide the chance to talk shit with your mates, drive a small motorised car and have a beer at the end of it all. You can also be a fat bastard and still get around the course. Oh and unlike surfboards, airlines actually encourage you to take your clubs on the plane.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH IT: Mark Twain famously said, “Golf is a good walk spoiled” and when you add the frustration, the expense, the time, the excessive rules, dress codes and the rich, old, white, snobby cunts that you are forced to share the course and club with, surely a surf, any surf, is going to be a much more beneficial way to spend four hours. There is also a significant man vs planet earth dimension, with the amount of pesticide/ fertilizer/water required, which itself is kinda odd considering Kelly’s supposed eco-credentials.