We’ll start with the most famous anal perforation of all, suffered by two-time world champion Tom Carroll in 1987. He was warming up at Nijima Beach, Japan, prior to the start of a contest, and mistimed a re-entry in the shorebreak. His board dug nose-first into the sand, and as Carroll fell towards it, legs akimbo, a fin lodged itself in his anal canal. (Try to get your head around the logistics of that one for a second.) The result wasn’t so much a brand new arsehole as an enlargement of the old one; thirteen stitches were required to restore the aperture to its previous size, eight of which were internal.

But that wasn’t the half of it. Doctors issued Tom with a particularly potent antiseptic concoction, the only problem being that all the instructions were in Japanese. He applied it directly to the area in question, and soon found his ballbag blistering ferociously. A 5’5 Australian naked from the waist down was subsequently witnessed running frantically around a Japanese hotel, then onto the street outside, screaming loudly and gesturing desperately at his testicles in an attempt to obtain some sort of relief. He later learnt that the offending liquid was supposed to be diluted at a ratio of 1 to 100.