by Chas Smith

Europe is smaller than America, geographically, but it is bigger than America in history and in variety of beer and moustache.

There is the East Bavarian handlebar. There is the Cannes French moustache. There is the Austrian Chaplin.

Europe is bigger than America in variety, in general. It is so totally diverse and so are her peoples. None of them can understand each other due to the linguistic diversity.

But they can (almost) all shop while using the same currency. And half of them could buy Ireland or Greece, if they so wanted, or rather, whoever is going bust this week. But still.

Diversity is a bitch. It is confusing, in general, but here the clutter is cleared. Behold the Guide to Europeans.

The Rowdy Beer Drinkers
The British and all Eastern Europeans are one. They drink beer. And it colours their worldview the same. They see everything in shades of amber. And they will all guffaw at being lumped together but then they will all drink lots of pints of beer and throw their arms around each other’s shoulders and sing jibberish songs.

The Goodbye Countries
The Belgians would be classified as beer drinkers but, due to a geographical oddity, are a goodbye country instead, along with the Netherlands and Luxemburg. They are all below sea level. And as China continues to consume French and Italian goods and as Chinese factories continue to produce those goods, spewing greenhouse gasses into the air, the below sea level countries will disappear. The Dutch will last the longest since they produce Olympic swimmers from time to time.