‘Illo’ by linguistine.com.

Some people, and I used to be one of them, claim eating eggs is a bit like eating (calcified shell coated) hen period. There is some element of truth there, in that the egg, like the period, is the result of unfertilized ovulation. I personally only converted to egg when I was 20, and for the first few years had to coat them in a kilo of salt. Before that, I had no truck with them at all. These days, I eat eggs all the time, I love their nutrition, the versatility, relative value for money and their fun! While egg has been in fashion for centuries, today’s protein loving carb shunning folk love em too. Whether you eat just the white, or the yolk too, eggs will make you surf better.

SCRAMBLED

A veritable minefield of fuck ups. Rubbery, watery, lumpy… it’s amazing how many people kook a relatively simple process involving two ingredients (egg, butter). Keep it simple: don’t have the pan too hot, keep em moving gently, take them off the heat a minute or so be- fore they’re ready as they’ll keep cooking as you serve/carry them onto the lanai.

SCRAMBLED IN MICROWAVE

If you can’t be arsed to put butter in a pan and stir with wooden spoon, check this: Get a coffee cup. Crack an egg in, beat with fork. Optional drop of milk, stir. Blast on medium for 2 mins. Toast an English muffin. Tip cup and prise egg out gently, and the scrambled radness comes out round, perfectly fitting your muffin. Apply spicy sauce, swear loudly at how good it tastes between bites.

BOILED

Seriously, if you are that stupid you need advice on how to boil an egg, you are beyond help. Just give up.

POACHED

Ah now we’re getting some- where. Give your nearly boiling water a good swirl before gently dropping your egg in from a cup, maybe having put a drop of vinegar in the water to keep your whites awesome. Salads, brekkie, on toast, wowsers the poach is waffly versatile.

FRIED

Yuck! This is 2013… Nobody eats fried egg.

OMELETTE

Loads of different methods, but the one thing to bear in mind is keep it moving unless you want it rubber pancake style (if you are going for traditional fold over). Otherwise, for a radical low washing-up/high taste hit, sautee your veg (pepper, onion, tom, shroom etc) in your pan, pour your beaten eggs in, let set, then bung under a hot grill and watch that stuff lift and go golden brown. Shit me. Eat it now or whack it twixt a couple of slices of wholemeal for packed lunch between-sessions radness later. Win-win.

• Eggs tend to stop you plopping, so balance their intake with high fibre poopy type foods.
•• They’ll fill you without bloating. You don’t need to wait two hours before paddling out.
••• If you’ve got your own chooks in the yard, well then you’re awesome in my book.
•••• p.s. Always eat with your mouth closed, and swallow before talking, please.