It’s been a long ol’ morning. I stood up at 4am, wide awake. The first thought I had was ‘Those goddam cats better not be doing pee pee in the garage.’ I hate those cats. I’m thinking about rat poison.
When the sun eventually began to offer up some assistance I went downstairs and had reggae eggs. That’s eggs, cooked and eaten whilst listening to reggae. I put Studio One DJ’s LP on the record player and nodded and bopped to Brigadeer Jerry’s ‘Every Men Him Are Me Brethren’ whilst cutting some chives in with scissors and getting nuts with the balloon whisk. I scrambled those guys and ate them in a toasted pitta with Basque spicy sauce. Somebody call the cops.

A few days back I was being given a lift to the airport on an island in French Polynesia. A paradise island. That place is magical. Anyway, its only a very short flight in a tiny propellar plane back to Tahiti, and the guy who I was staying with was giving me a ride with his family and some homies in the back of his massive black pickup. Most people have massive black pickups over there, they absolutely love that shit. Anyway, even though we’d found some amicable common ground (he was telling me that French people never, ever buy a round of drinks, and I was inclined to agree) he started grilling me about not having a wife. ‘Where’s your wife?’ he asked, looking kinda pissed off. ‘Why not? Why don’t you have one?’ He really wasn’t digging my whole over 30 and single vibe. Seeing as his wife was in the back I decided not to point out that I’m yet to be convinced on the logic of pretending to be satisfied with the company of just one, you know, flower, for the rest of your life. I swear he narrowed his glance, an image of me at the Berlin Love Parade flashed acrossed his retinas and he shifted slightly away from me on the seat.

‘Next time you come, bring your kids, ‘ he added, which carried the slight tone of a threat. It was as if forking out £2500 for an airline ticket and several hundred bone a day to stay there isnt enough to qualify to hang out over there these days, you also need to impregnate a woman and bring your multiple offspring with. Crumbs!

As I got out at the airport he asked me if I had life assurance. I do. He said “Because you dont know where you’re going right now.” Apparently the flight has a pretty bad safety record. As we took off a gust of wind took the thing sideways and I got a bit scared. But as it went we landed OK and I was fine. Still alive and still a fan of noughts rather than ones.