Photo: Ryan Foley

Man season continues on SE dot com! Today, we turn the focus of male-interest advice towards the female of the species, of which there are four distinct types. Who knew?!?

by Chas Smith

There are seven types of men. Only seven. And each man is one of those types but women are different. Women are very different and their classification is representative of their being different. Women are separated into two distinct categories and then separated into two more. First, they are separated into amazing or not.

1. Amazing

She has a great story, sense of humour, education, sense of style. She can be the centre of attention of a large, well-heeled gathering. She may quietly make art in a small studio decorated in a Japanese motif.

People speak of her often. They say, “Have you met such and such? She is doing something very interesting/so funny/beyond stylish/very talented. She is amazing." She might be controversial.

Some may find her too over the top, just too much, but, in any case, all will have an opinion about the amazing woman. She will not fall into the cracks. She is out doing her thing and getting noticed.

2. Not Amazing

She is bland. She may be vaguely funny or nice or have a cute cat but the not amazing woman does not shine in any particular way. She is forgotten as soon as she is met and when she is met a second or third time she is forgotten then too.

She works diligently, maybe, at a thankless job but who really knows? The not amazing woman lives in the cracks and nobody really knows what she does. Maybe she works at… No, I got nothing. I don’t pay attention to the not amazing woman. Nobody does.

Once they are separated into these two categories they are once again separated this time into beautiful or not.

Photo: Ryan Foley



3. Beautiful

Photo: Ryan Foley

She stops traffic. Her bone structure is dainty. Her eyes sparkle like stars. Her lips. Her hips. The beautiful woman is one of the best things on Earth.

She is reason enough to live. The beautiful woman who uses her beauty is a dancer. She sways through a room and hearts beat all around. The beautiful woman is a gift.

And beauty, here, can mean many things. It can be classically defined, it can be the du jour look, it can be breasts like two chubby bear cubs. One element, or two, is enough to categorize a woman as beautiful.

4. Not Beautiful

The women who is not beautiful is fine, as a person, but she does not stop traffic. She does not stop anything except wanton sexual advances from sober men.

The not beautiful woman has been dealt a difficult hand and some make due better than others, working hard, etc. She knows she is not beautiful, that she has not even one redeeming physical element and it is a difficult hand.

And so, there are four possible combinations...

Amazing and beautiful: She is the woman you want to marry and the one you lust after and the one you want to be with all of the time. She melts your heart into a puddle and if she so wanted she could conquer the world.

Not amazing and beautiful: She is the woman that you only lust after. She is used and discarded. She may find love in a series of less than stellar male suitors but she is not often happy.

Amazing and not beautiful: Poor creature. She is a friend, a great friend, but never anything more. The saddest creature on earth.

Not amazing and not beautiful: She gets a job at Walmart and dreams empty dreams and gives birth to complacency. Let’s not think about her anymore.

And these are the types of woman.