10. Catch a fish/snare a rabbit and eat the thing you killed with salt, pepper and herbs.

11. Start an Internet beef coz someone is claiming spots on Facebook and giving away local secrets. Or just inciting crowds by bigging up the swell they just surfed too much, or just coz they’re annoying. Let the bastards know that they are cyber kooking and you are not happy about it. Tell em to shut up and surf or better yet just shut up. Watch the string of comments spiral out of control in anger niggles, petty squabble and hasty insults.

12. Organize a beach clean up/local grom event for charity/good cause. Get some serious feel good factor warm fuzzy vibes whilst impressing yummy mummies with your upstanding citizenship en meme temps.

13. Get spat out of a barrel.

14. Teach someone how to surf and then try to sleep with them. Give a beautiful, inland-based city dwelling 40-50 hour working weeking hopefully well-rewarded financially possibly nice car driving yet unjazzed in the arts of shred beautiful woman (or man) the gift of stoke and a brief yet thrilling glimpse into your awesome world by way of a 1 on 1 surf lesson, then, as reward, let them give you the gift of tail.

15. Refuse to go to a surfing ‘art show’ or some kind of photographic exhibition, particularly anything to do with painted skateboard decks, Banksy and anything even faintly ‘Basquiat-esque’. Abhor the genre and those that indulge it. Just flat out refuse to go, stating you’d rather insert knitting needles up your you-know-what. Make a real issue out of it, perhaps get into a massive beef with whoever’s ‘art’ is on display. Really go for it in your scathing criticism, in public, in raised voices. Break something, possibly even fight someone. When the dust settles, simply point out to your adversary that your objection and your whole anti-stance was merely ‘performance art’ that you actually love their stuff more than anyone, and that if they can’t see that then, what kind of artist are they, anyway?

16. Answer a higher calling. Get a verbal/written warning from work for surfing instead of showing up on time. Break up with a woman/man because of shredding. Do a no-show at a family engagement because it had a timetable clash with an important tide/swell/wind configuration. Because you are real, you must do real things.

17. Make sure you’ve investigated all fin set-ups from none to four… alaia, single, twin, thruster, quad... Actually, cancel alaia. Swim fins instead.

18. Pull into forehand and backhand closeouts on the same day not because someone is shooting, or you have a go pro on the nose of your awful surfboard, you horrible little man. Just for undocumented kicks.