Dr Butt is unavailable to produce this Thursday’s installment of his European surf forecast due to contractual obligations to light the New Year fireworks on the Isle of Sheppey.

(His forecast will be back as per norm on Monday).

In the meantime, I have taken a few minutes to analyze the sun spots in the last few days and have come up with a 100% guaranteed accurate, or your money back completely pukka kosher surf forecast for the whole year ahead.

January 2009:

January will be a pretty decent month for surf in most parts of Europe, except France, Spain, Portugal, the UK, Ireland, Iceland, Norway, the Canaries, Madeira and Morocco. These areas will suffer from general flatness with strong onshores for the first part of the month, continuing through the latter part. The exception to this will be on the 19th at around 2pm, when it’ll be pretty good everywhere. Thus, the best bet for January is probably going to be Northwest Sweden, parts of Cyprus and the Netherlands.

February 2009:

February will be real good all month in most regions except around Shrove Tuesday, when it will be flat as a…

Other than that, around Valentines day on the 14th there will be excellent surf in most areas putting extra strain on many relationships. Someone in South West Britain will nosedrain on their girlfriends face at dinner on the 14th (which is also Kevin Keegan’s and my mum’s birthdays), then admit that they generally prefer male conversation. This couple will break up. On the upside, all the newly found single surfers will start going out more to nightclubs and discotheques in vain attempts to heal their desolate, broken hearts, and as a result will sleep in later thus providing less crowded dawn patrol lineups across the Continent, particularly on the weekend of the 30th/31st Feb.

March 2009:

March will be windy as ***holes everywhere except the Canazas where it’ll be helluva glassy. Locals will order pizza all round for hungry looking visitors and dust coated surf rats from Hanover in camper vans will be bro’d out hard with slices of meat feast, margerita (for the veggies) and shouted ice cold brewskis as they wait for the tide to drop.

April 2009:

April will be rainy in Britain. So much rain is going to fall that the famous rivermouth pointbreaks of Scilly will be epic, with long barrels and sweet inside racetrack section to cane along and then punt.Unfortunately, swell will be too massive (over 3ft) and it’ll be closing out. Savvy surf shredders will instead be heading for the Kent and Essex slabs. Meanwhile, France will have minimal rainfall but as a result my early season hybrid garden peas will turn out shit. Mundaka will be really, really good around the 7th at high tide, and pretty uncrowded since most of the lineup regulars will have food poisoning from that 5 michelin starred pink mousse shrimp bready tapas thing.

May 2009:

May is going to be epic!!! May is my favourite month, the surf is always good in May. The water will warm up early doors, swell will be crisp and ruler edged, and, because all the turkeys think autumn is the best surf season, uncrowded. Plus, everyone is going to be in Bali because it’s the centre of the freakin universe right now. However, there will be crowds at most of Europe’s fat rights, as Balinese locals will be booking flights to Heathrow in droves since there’ll be around 14 sterling to the rupiah.

June 2009: See May.

July 2009: July will be a good time to head to Portugal. Portugal is the spot. Get down there.

August 2009: Generally regarded as Europe’s worst month for surf, it’ll actual be OK, a couple of little swells and some good shaped banks due to small conditions and the associated constructive beach processes. But who cares, since bars and clubs will be full of hot, bronzed, horny chicks/dudes! Hallelujah! (Alexandra X Fac version not that whiney drippy Buckley dude, (RIP)).

September and October 2009:

Will both be pumping! Cranking! All time. Like, unbelievably good. Hot, sunny, big swell day after day and puffing offshore, except breaks that prefer a little seabreeze ruffle, where it’ll be light onshey. Best bet: Brittany, Orkneys, Sark and Lundy’s east coast.

November 2009:

A big disappointment after the great times of sep/oct. Novemeber is a good time to go away somewhere far, far away. Personally, I’m going to Grand Cayman. Try and stop me.

December 2009:

It’s CHRIIISSSS-MAAAAS! Again! I love Slade, Wizard, all that, I love Shane McGowan’s New York thingy too, so much. I’ve always loved it but I’ve only just remembered. I forgot I loved it so much through most of the 90’s when noone was harking on about it but now its real fashionable again I’ve remembered. I love all that 80’s gear. I usually remember to wikipedia all the cool bands before I go out so that I can remember I liked them if brought up in conversation, (when actually I really was into Chubby Chekker and the Fat Boys and Jive Bunny).

HAPPY NEW YEAR!