How To: Wipe Your Bum With One Piece of Toilet Paper
If less is more, then wiping your bum with just one piece of paper is about as close as humankind gets to perfection...
Everyone is on the less-is-more tip right now. And the more you apply that logic to things you do regularly, the more goodness you are doing to our ellipsoidal green n’ blue spinning spaceship, HMS Planet Earth.
One of the things everyone does everyday, apparently even attractive (wo)men too (I only found this out recently, imagine my shock!) is number two’s. Poo poo, bum rubbish, caca. Yep everyone's got a hole, and everyone needs to know how to take care of it properly.
While the whole scrunch vs. fold thing is an ancient and sacred debate that we won't go into today, there is also third way, championed by the British Armed Forces, no less.
Coz when you’re on a mission deep in enemy terrain, you don’t want to be carrying around masses of bog roll with you. You simply want to wipe with one.
Same goes for #VanLife right? You don't want to be leaving acres of teepee in the pristine (well, it was...) wilderness. Maybe you're just low on paper, or on a serious economy drive. There are just so very many reasons why to wipe with one. And here's how.
1. Take just one piece of toilet paper. Just one little square of the stuff.
2. Fold it in half, and then fold it in half again. Now you have a small square, 1/4 the size of the original piece.
3. Rip off a small piece of the corner, so that you have a hole. Keep the piece you ripped off to one side for now... you'll be needing it shortly.
4. Put your finger through the whole, about 1-2cm through, max.
5. Now wipe using your finger. You only have one real go at this, so get it right. Don’t injure yourself, but don’t hold back either. Try not to enjoy it too much - that's just weird.
6. Pull the paper off the index finger, wiping the finger clean as you go.
7. Take the corner piece you ripped off and clean under your finger nail.
8. Wash your hands.
If there’s someone you don’t like that much in the vicinity, e.g. your little sister’s boyfriend, that local SUPer, feel free to skip step 8, and give that fella a nice warm handshake.