8. Become A Local Legend
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No free pass for Kelly at the Superbank. Photo: Luke Marsden via goldcoastbulletin.com.au
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Joel Parkinson on a casual 32-mile paddle from Molokai to Oahu. Photo: WSL
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The SW France dog-fight. Photo: Christie
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This great white shark was spotted off the Cornish coast just yesterday...
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Aritz Aranburu gets a shit-ton of waves, but is never anything less than a gentleman in the water. Photo: Victor Gonzales
8. Become A Local Legend
Generally speaking, to become a local legend you have to be both local and legendary. Either or both of these statuses may at first seem out of your lowly reach, but do not despair, we have valuable knowledge and insight to impart.
To meet the first of these criteria you may need to move to a new post code, although this alone will not suffice, at least not immediately. You will need to ingratiate yourself with pre-existing locals, and possibly adopt longstanding local traditions such as speaking in strange code, engaging in intimate relations with sheep, or beating up foreigners. Even then, it may take years for you to gain a position of authority.
Fortunately, locality is very much a matter of perception. Eddie Rothman, for years the North Shore’s most feared enforcer, is originally from Philadelphia, and didn’t move to Oahu ’til he was 13.
Likewise, since most legends are based on dirty rotten lies, there are there are certain shortcuts available in order to meet the second criterion. Try the following, for instance:
- Give yourself a nickname. No self-respecting legend goes by his christian name in its non-abbreviated form. The best nicknames generally involve removing a syllable or two from first or second name and adding “-o”, or maybe “-y”. If that doesn’t sound right, go for something off-the-wall and enigmatic, like “Woodshed” or “Tommy Two Dicks”.
- Whistle loudly and nonchalantly in the line-up, as though oblivious to the presence of others.
- Start a rumour about how you slapped a disrespectful visiting pro.
- Slap a disrespectful visiting pro.
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