Life is a major inconvenience, even at the best of times. It has been somewhat on the back foot, however, since the advent of the smartphone, and now you can keep it even more safely at bay with a Lifeproof phone case.

It’s always worth investing in protection for your equipment, and millennials will need no reminding what their two most important pieces of equipment are in the evolutionary struggle. On/in the one hand, you’ve got your John Thomas, your virile member, or possibly your Va-jay-jay Florence. In the other, you’ve got your smartphone. What use is one without the other, these days?

The first you should keep protected with a pair of stylish yet practical boardshorts, whose stretchy, lightweight fabric and minimal design will be music, as it were, to the ears of your intromittent organ. The Globe Dion Eclipse, for instance, though there are others.

Your smartphone you should could keep protected with the Lifeproof FRĒ phone case. Inside the FRĒ, your phone will be able to withstand 6-foot drops and submersion in water for a full hour, up to a depth of 2 metres. All the controls and features — touch screen, touch recognition, camera, etc. — receive the same protection and yet remain fully functional; a small cover shields each of the ports, opening to allow access but maintaining the seal when closed. Versions are available for almost all Apple and Samsung smartphones.

"Versions are available for almost all Apple and Samsung smartphones"

Think of all the situations in which your phone will be safeguarded against the bludgeonings of chance. If you accidentally throw it in a small pond, or drop it in the shallows whilst frolicking gaily, you will have an hour to find it. If you forget to take it out the zip pocket of your boardshorts before surfing, you’ll have an hour to realise your mistake, provided you don’t endure any 2-metre-plus hold-downs in the meantime.

Lifeproof FRĒ Phone Case

Price: £70


At last year’s Atlantic Cup, an annual football tournament in Biarritz comprising members of the action-sports community, a Swiss friend, more of an acquaintance really, dropped his phone in the harbour during a cigarette break (this was at the evening meal, not half-time). Ed Leigh off the telly — the one on Ski Sunday, the one who does the funny commentary at the Winter Olympics — ripped off his clothes and dived in to rescue it (show-off). He succeeded in retrieving the phone — it lit up underwater when it was called — but it was in poor health, so its owner had to carry it around in a tupperware box filled with rice (to extract the moisture, obviously) for the rest of the night, bringing it to the pub, then the casino, then the discotheque, then the casino, etc. It seemed to work quite well as a conversation starter to be fair but I’m not sure the phone survived, and I’ll bet he wished he’d had a Lifeproof phone case.

Later on Ed Leigh stole my place in the taxi home, the bastard. Actually that may all have been in a dream but still, a Lifeproof phone case would have saved the day.