Surfing likes to put a positive slant, and that’s great. But is saying something is good, bad...?

by Gary Browningstone

Hossegor

Go to a bar, thinking, ‘This should be cool’. But it’s some kind of fucked time warp. There’s a clown shouting into a mic. There you are, standing under one of Jake the Snake’s signed boards (!) listening to some clown shouting all night. Awesome. Sure, the waves get good, but. Where else in the real world would they allow chumps on those weird stand up jetskis wearing moto-x pants and helmets to tear through the lineups? Where else in a supposed international surfing resort do they close the beach for a bunch of redneck bellends on motobikes and quads to tear up and down for three days?

Dane Reynolds, Hossegor. Sure, it's good. But is it over-rated...? Photo: Alex Laurel

Superman Air

Unsightly at best. At worst, shit. Sure, I can’t do em, I never will be able to, but that brings me no sorrow. Isn’t any move requiring holding your board with two hands actually…. boogieboarding?

Airport Lounges

Everyone harks on about em, falls over themselves to get in, but are they that good? They’re full of capitalists trying to look important while helping themselves to soup and crusty baguette. They are like VIP areas in clubs, but with less poontang. Then some smarmy c**t will come around and check your boarding pass with a shitty vibe. Fuck off bro, it’s not my fault I got upgraded for being awesome.

Occy

Was he really that good? Shit, I loved Green Iguana. I loved ‘Occy’s Left’ section in Sumba. I even stomached Yothu Yindi’s ‘Sunset Dreaming’ song. But doesn’t he kinda… bog? I love the 80’s legends, reverence, all that, but do we still have to see him trotted out at QS events? Do we?

I absolutely loved this stuff... in 1993.

AC/DC

Shit house. You’re kind of not really allowed to say this, but I will. AC/DC suck ass. Meet any Aussie, anywhere, and they’ll be outraged by this statement, which adds merit to it. ‘Ackadacka’ leave me cold. Weird Angus in his weird school uniform? Huh? It’s creepy. AC/DC are shit.

Trestles

Is it really that good? Really? I find the experience of both watching and surfing the wave to be… ordinary. What’s so good about it? The most rippable? What, more rippable than Maccas? It’s the most rippable wave on a 7’0" fun shape, maybe.

Gabs Medina rips Trestles during the Hurley Pro 2012. Photo: DB

Fin chuck

OK, it’s rad, but it’s still kinda overrated. Land with your front foot on the nose, back foot where the front foot should be. Enough already. Yuck.

The US Open

The name, the venue, everything about it. I’m sorry, but I hate BMXs, Moto-x, anything with an x… ‘extreme sports’ as a whole shit me. But mainly the name: it sounds like tennis. Sounds like golf. Tennis and Golf. Golf and Tennis. What is this? An interview with Ace…?

Fantasy Surfer

It’s crap. There are only like 10 events in 12 months. How do you get excited about your team? Everyone knows more or less who the top 10 are every year, so what, you’re using your in depth knowledge to guess which bottom feeder gets equal 25th and which one gets equal 13th? Zzzzzzzz