Goofyfoots are Occy and regular foots are Luke Stedman. Goofy foots are short and squatty and they muscle through turns and throw lots of spray. Regular foots are long and lean and surf like beautiful women.

Goofy foots have rotund buttocks. Regular foots do not. Goofy foots eat steak with every meal. Regular foots are vegetarian or maybe pescatarian. Goofy foots sing drunken ballads late at night. Regular foots do not. Goofy foots squander their incomes, when they make the World Tour, on drink. Regular foots begin savings accounts and hire tax consultants. Goofy foots buy brand new tract homes in brand new suburban neighborhoods. They buy large, new pick-up trucks to go with their homes and add wives but usually cheat on their wives. Regular foots rent hipster apartments in the newest hip area of town. They decorate with Eames chairs and Jean-Michel Basquiat prints. They buy bikes instead of cars and don’t get married but cheat on their girlfriends. Goofy foots like slashes off the top and sending tons of spray into the air. Regular foots like straight frontside airs. Goofy foots love to do floaters. Regular foots do not. Goofy foots vote for conservative political candidates. Regular foots vote for progressive ones. Goofy foots listen to nu-metal. Regular foots listen to nu-new wave. Goofy foots wish they were regular foots. Regular foots wish they were relevant, culturally. It’s a real toss up who is better but, today, I’d say regular foots.

TRUNKS vs SHORT ARM 2mil

A very complex battle. Surfing, in its natural state, is always done in trunks. Not trunks that bag super low and hang over the knee but proper good trunks that fall an inch above the knee. Cotton trunks not fancy tech material trunks. This is surfing. But the water, in most populated places, does not allow for this sort of surfing very often. A few summer weeks, maybe, of bliss where the sky is hot and the water is warm. Usually the sky is warm and the water is cool and the surfer paddles out in his natural state and begins to shiver after 20 minutes and wants to go sit on the beach after 45. The short armed 2 millimeter wetsuit, in black, totally solves this problem. The surfer is perfectly warm in the water. He can move like jello because 2 millimeters is not really enough to constrict. His arms can tan as they float above the water waiting for sets and his chest doesn’t become rashy or sore from rubbing the wax. Theoretically the short armed 2 millimeter wetsuit is the best thing ever. But, surprisingly it loses to trunks. The best surfing, and the best man, is always fashion over function. He suffers to look perfect. And so he is a little chilly and so his chest is rashy but just look at him! Look at that bronze he builds. A bronze that will last deep into the fall and maybe even the winter months. Look at him. This is not to say that trunks beat wetsuits always. The man who surfs trunks in the deep fall and winter is a weird ugly man. He wears his masculinity like Drakkar Noir cologne. Like a cheap and obvious nod to his theoretically big balls. They are not big. They are shriveled. If it is warm enough to don a short armed 2 mil then it is warm enough to trunk. Yes? Unfortunately yes.

- Chas Smith

- Photo: Garrett Parkes by Troy Simpson