You know Pos,

You gotta school these young macks comin up today,

coz to be Frank they’re Hot Dogs,

their girls are Relish,

and they need to Ketchup on their pimpin’.

Yes yes y’all to tha beat y’all… Happy December 22nd! On this day some two thousand odd year ago a Virgin called Mary looked down at her fat belly and thought, “Wow, I better cut down on these deep fried falafel and humus. I’m getting fat!” Little did she know the trouble she was about to cause…

Swell has dropped today, yesterday was Rick McCranking. At the Sunset there were all kinds of boomers, smokers, humdingers, howitzers, rip snorters, ingleberthumpadinkers and a couple of barrels on the Inside Bowl. A Brazilian brother who lives in Hossegor called Rogerio span around upside on one of those beastly left wedge comin at cha rights west peak things and took the latest drop of all time. That was the best thing I’ve seen in waveriding since the Pipemasters. Muito impressive.

There was a wee bit of action couple days ago at the sandbar next to Pipe. Miatch Coalbum was out there, but do you think we’ve got footage of him surfing? No way Pedro! We gots footage of big Dazza Crawfs dancing and drinking Heine when he was supposed to be shooting him instead. TimoJarv and I went Foodland, bought a cartoon of green Dutch lager and chilled on the verander at the Pipe house that is owned by one of the surf brands… I forget which one, it’s either Mystic Knights of Bali, Pacific Motion or Kuta Lines. He’s a real song n dance man, innit.

Miatch Colebum is out going batshit on the lefts but Dazza is dancing instead of shooting and Timo is shooting Dazza dancing. You know we run tings.

After breaking my fast in Haleiwa in the morn we went to run an errand with the Family Mothes — they had to pick up a planche for one of their bros back home in the Basque Co. We took a side street up under the mountain and met the shaper, who was none other than Akila Aipa, son of the very legendary Ben Aipa. Akila makes these sick twinnies. As soon as I saw it it stole my love for myself and I knew the only way to get that love back was to buy one, and yet I didn’t.

Akila Aipa. Great shaper, nice guy.

I rode my bike back to Haleiwa to go to the Farmer’s Market, where Mark Cunningham has a Keep da Country Country stand. I couldn’t find Richie Cunningham so I did an interview with Mark instead. Stay tuned for that coming out in SE72. I took a couple snapshots and he said ‘Try to make my nose look small.’ I said, ‘I may be the world’s no1 surf poet, but I’m not a bloody miracle worker!’ The young blonde chicks staffing his stand giggled and looked at me adoringly.

Mark C. Does my beak look big in this?… Yes. Soz.

If you’re wandering around da Ke Nui road anytime of day or night and you can smella di pasta, that’s probably the scent of the Fiorvanti family, Italian shredders extraordinaire. They’ve literally set their people back 400 years by living out everybody’s Ital stereotype and eating pasta 3 meals a day. Last night it was carbonara. Lil’ Leo aka the next Kelly Slate shredded 8ft Sunset yesterday on his gun. His gun is 5’8″. Here’s the 12 yr old sensation about to go for his third shred of the day out at macking Gas Chambers.

Leo, pre teen ripper. I feel I should curb my affinity for pre teen Italians though, otherwise I may end up like Silvio Berlasconi.

One of these chicks thought she was in France and had her boobies out on the beach at Pipeline, although she kept her hand cupping them at all times. Nevertheless, that shit won’t wash over here. She was told to cover them up by the lifeguard, who happened to be former Eddie winner Noah Johnson.

Put them away! You can ride a ten thousand cc Harley Davidson without a helmet and you can walk around Foodland in a g-string, but you cannot let your nipples see the light of day around these parts. That’s just the way it is. The story goes that when Capt Cook’s boats arrived at these isles the local maidens swam out naked coated in gorgeous dark brown Polynesian skin, as was their custom (Cook’s men promptly gave them venerial diseases). But the New England missionaries soon put pay to that, as they kicked over the Hawaiian temples, banned surfing and forced their strange religion, that of Jesus of Nazareth King of the Jews, upon these fair islands.


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