A Surfer’s Guide To The World Cup So Far

France, Spain, The Sweaty Socks, Costa Rica, Portugal


France should be my adopted team now England are out.
I’ve lived in France for eleven years. France is fucking great. I pay my taxes in France. My son was born and has lived all his life in France. When I’m poorly, it’s France’s health care that nurses me back to strength. France has given me a home, a career, and much happiness. But I can’t make myself support them. I want myself to want them to win, but I literally can’t. I tried to against Switzerland and just… couldn’t. It was like when I tried to fancy Carolyn Green at school and just couldn’t. Although that was mainly to do with all those freckles…

France’s spirit surfer is Frederick Pattachia. He’s legit good, he’s got skills, but somehow, for some reason, you’re just not sure about him. Just not sure at all.



The Sweaties have had a phenomenal world cup, again! Two England defeats and elimination after 5 minutes, it’s been one of the finest moments in Scottish footballing history. It’s hard to imagine how life could get much better up there, sparing a Yes result in the referendum and Alex Salmond subsidising packs of 20 Lambert & Butlers for pregnant women. They don’t even need to qualify to participate these days (which is lucky), they just watch the England horror show unfold with sheer delight.

Scotland’s spirit surfer is Richie Collins. Great in the 80’s. Now kind of ‘Who? Oh yeah! Hahaha!’

Costa Rica

Absolute ball tearer of a group stage for the Costa Ricans. Surely they can’t keep this up… They’ve rode their luck a bit so far. I remember when Scotland lost to them in Italia 90 and that in itself was funny. Jimmy Greaves wore a t-shirt on TV-AM that said, “Watch your defending Scotland, it might COSTA victory”. That’s how much of a joke they were then. Now they’ve won a tough-ish group, and made England finish last in it. Shit done changed.

Their spirit animal is what’s his name that surfs for Volcom. Carlos something.


Woeful. In the recent past, apart from being amazing, they were also kind of impossible to hate (except for Ramos/Puyol/Alonso). They were just little, amazing-at-footie, quiet dudes. Didn’t have a Cristiano Ronaldo/Gattuso/Craig Bellamy cunty pantomime villain. Then they drafted in a 100% Brazilian called Diego Costa whose Nan once ate tapas. Costa was not only was shit, he made Spain totally hateable, by being a proper horrible cunt. Oopsy!

Spain’s spirit surfer is Dane Reynolds. Flattered to deceive, went out with a whimper.

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