HIPSTER BASHING IS SO 2008
Swallow the hipster-jizz or spit it out and put your Flex Fit cap back on? Your call!
The hipsters divide opinion more than Maggie Thatcher, Benjamin Netanyahu and the Prophet Mohammed put together. Some people love their creative DIY retro style and free thinking attitude towards life.
Some think it's just the Emperor's New Blowrag, or maybe all wet fart but no actual skid.
Us though, we love it all. If you point your trembling vein pole in our direction, we'll tug it. What ever floats your boat, whatever blows your hair back man, we dig.
So for those that are thinking of heading down the hipster route, here's a little Instaguide, using some of the best in the business. Make your own mind up.
1. Equipment. Your surfing equipment is paramount. Riding a "normal" thruster is akin to walking on broken glass. It actually hurts. You want loggers and asymmetricals, you want balsa bars of soap and finless hulled wizards. You want at least 30 boards in a quiver, 5 of which must be handshaped by you, 5 authentic shapes from the '60s and the rest barely bordering on the functional.
Functional 2013 model wetsuits are generic, modern and highly functional. Three massive no-nos. If you look long and hard, like Ellis Ericson and Alex Knost, you'll find wetsuits that are none of these things.
It's hard to define style and even harder to express. You want old cameras and cigarettes. You need to play a guitar and you need to care just enough that it looks you don't. You need to be individual, but in a way that the tribe accepts. You just need to be.
Surfing is very important. Essential even. You want to a firm handle on the past, in fact any photos of you surfing should be unrecognisable from grainy images from the '60s. Ideally you will show someone a new pic, and if you have styled it right and filtered it correctly, they'll hopefully think its a shot of your grandpappy. Even better, someone will comment, call it "Timeless" and you will know you have reached a higher plane.
5. The Public Spat
Beefs are such a shame. Simon and Garfunkle didn't talk for ages... all those wasted years! Biggie and Tupac, well that was just silly. Now Al Knost and Derek Rielly have fallen out over Derek and Nick Carroll's dissing of the retro carry on in Surfing Mag. Here, Al is calling out Stab, Derek and dudes who drive Nissan Tundras (big 4x4 trucks) and wear Flex Fit caps. Meeeee-ooooww!
The best word on this topic unsurprisingly went to Lewis Samuels, who commented, "Knost bashing is so 2008", in reference to his Post Surf 'Contorted Hipsters' jibes of that year. Yes it is.
Guys, can't we all just sort this out? Let's all meet at mine for a few pints of Almond (Marc not milk) and talk it over like men (dressed in women's clothes)...