THE POLES ARE THE NEW TROPICS, SIX-MILS ARE THE NEW TRUNKS, ALEUTIAN RIVER SALMON IS THE NEW BREAKFAST BURRITO AND FROSTBITE IS, OF COURSE, THE NEW MALARIA. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO OPEN A SURF MAG NOW WITHOUT PROS AND PHOTOGS GUSHING ABOUT A MUSHBURGER WITH A SNOW CAPPED CLIFF IN THE BACKGROUND. HOWEVER! THE ONE UPSIDE IS THAT WE NOW KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT STAYING WARM IN THE SURF. GETTING COLD IS NOW WHAT HAPPENS IN BOARDSHORTS WHEN THE WIND COMES UP . . . WEIRD!

1. DON’T SIP WHISKY FROM YOUR HIP FLASK

It’s a hoax. It’ll make you ‘feel’ warmer, but actually cools your core by dilating your blood vessels and thus giving off heat. So while a hip flask is an irie gift for the discerning gentleman, it’ll come in more handy in a pricey nightclub than on a winter surf mission.

2. DON’T STRETCH

Static stretching makes you more likely to pull a muscle in the cold, not less. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news to all you freaks that like to do the hamstring stretch on the water’s edge.

3. DON’T PISS*

Sure, it feels warm first of all. It also feels nice, liberating, fun, self-indulgent, exciting, novel, naughty, defiant and comforting all at the same time. But it soon cools, and then sloshes around inside your legs/boots as a frigid, heavy, cloudy yellow stinking broth. It also rots your suit, which is bad news in terms of both scent and more importantly, longevity and functionality.

*Literally impossible

"Staying warm is easier with a beard" - Kepa Acero

4. DON’T SIT AROUND

Froth, paddle around, stay busy. No matter how good your suit is, generally you’ll be warm on a straight line on the comfort graph, then at some point after around 2 hours, it’ll drop down suddenly. Condense your sesh. Think about the very best bit of the tide. Do your sitting around back home post-session, in front of the fire playing chess, surf time is for surfing.

Cold enough?

[part title="STAY WARM IN THE SURF CONT."]

5. DO STAND ON YOUR FUCKING SHOES IN THE CAR PARK

When I see folk doing a barefoot-in- the-icy-carpark dance, a large part of my hope for the future of human kind dies. It’s like, we sent a man into space, but we can’t figure out not to stand barefoot on frigid concrete? I’ll walk you through it; From foot in sock in shoe to no sock on shoe to in boots, without touching the ground. Is it that hard?

6. DO EAT LIGHT

You want your warm, life-giving blood in your extremities (like fingers and toes) keeping them functional, not in your belly digesting four miner’s pasties and a steam jam sponge with custard. To that end, have a light pre-shred meal, something to keep you going, but not something that’ll quicken the onset of hypothermia.

7. DO GET YOUR FLAPS RIGHT

You’d be amazed by how many times people (me) didn’t do the flaps on the suit right and got flushed, or even worse, forgot to zip it up. Stoner! And once you‘ve had the icy rinse, you ain’t warming up. Although you’re in a rush, take your time to see that the very last part of putting your suit on is done with all due care and attention.

8. DO DO A LITTLE RUN TO GET THE HEART GOING

Whislt stretching is no-no, a warm up is yes-yes. The clue is in the name. Warm. Up. A wee jog on the sand will get you ready for cold immersion by getting the blood circulating around your rig. A few jumping jacks perhaps, some shadow boxing at the water’s edge (always a good one to help make friends at a new spot) hey throw in some jumping squat thrusts if you like. Whatever it is, two minutes of vigorous warm up will make all the difference in terms of prolonging your session, and optimising your performance radness.

Yet more Norwegers!