There are many kinds of surfers. It is nice to think that there is only one kind, the kind who ride gorgeously phallic, 6’2 shortboards but it just isn’t true. There are the kind who ride even more phallic 9’0 longboards. There are the kind who ride the accurately phallic (for chubby men) super short fishes. There are the kind that become the phallus themselves. There are many kinds of surfers. But how are they categorized?

WillyBumBumAliotti is a normal shortboarder, but, he’s is interesting as fuck. Photo: Laurel

The normal shortboarder: He is not the most exciting. He can look like Mick Fanning. But he is the standard. He wears his boardshorts that touch exactly to the middle of his knee. His hair is non-descript and he does not spend more than 15 Euro on a haircut. He drives a sensible pick-up truck, preferably Toyota. He used to listen to punk rock but now he listens to dub step totally by accident. His woman is cute and he cheats on her with other cute women. He eats Italian food and, if pushed, will eat sushi. He gives no money to charity but thinks, sometimes, about how environmental change could damage his waves, but then stops thinking altogether. He is the median.

Dave leBlouch, Marc Lacomare and Fred Robin also ride normal shortboards, but are never bored! Photo: Laurel

The longboarder: He, if young, is totally all over the place. He has been made fun of and still decides to ride what his grandfather rode. He believes that mankind is rude, because it makes fun of him for living in the past, but also reformable. He believes in the ocean. Like, the energy of the ocean. He drives a station wagon. He does not have a woman and dreams, someday, that he will get one. He, if old, is aggressive and annoying. He believes he has lived long enough on this earth to deserve every wave that is in the ocean. He surfs when he can. He is on his third wife and has three kids but he does not care about them. He has gotten fat and doesn’t smell nice and still thinks his third wife owes him thrice weekly blowjobs and when he doesn’t get them he searches for his fourth wife. He listens to the Beach Boys.

The retro fish/single-fin/mini-simmons etc: He feels hip. He feels hipper than all his brothers because his board catches waves like a longboard but rides them so smoothly. He laughs at his brothers on small days. He doesn’t ever surf on bigger days. He drives a motorcycle and borrows his woman’s car when he goes surfing. His woman drives a Volkswagen Jetta. He wears acid washed skinny denims. He grows a moustache for November. He wears shirts with stripes. He would get an anchor tattoo but fears that in may hurt. He wears aloha shirts. He doesn’t feel he is living the dream, he knows it.

The alia: The alia rider grew up wondering if he was, in fact, gay but then decided he wasn’t in middle school but then decided he might be when he saw his first picture of Dave Rastovitch. He gives half of his money to environmental charities and this assuages his homosexual guilt. When he is spinning and sliding on the waves he thinks that other men wish they were him and he wishes he was with other men. His woman has been his friend since middle school. They have sex once a year.

The big gun: The man who rides a big rhino chasing gun hates minorities unless he is a minority and then he hates other minorities. He thinks all surfers are pussies and fags save the other big rhino chasing gun riders. He is right about the alia rider. He drives the biggest truck he can and would drive a semi-truck, if it made any sense. He slaps his woman in the face when drunk. He is drunk every third night. He listens to screamo. His father slapped him when he was drunk. He hates charity. He loves a drawn out rail. He masturbates to women body builders and would wonder if that pushed him too close to gay, if he ever wondered anything.

The bodysurfer: The bodysurfer feels he has found enlightenment. He feels that all other surfers are missing the point. The point is flow. The point is being as close to the water as possible. The point is removal of all barriers. The point is being not only like a dolphin but actually a dolphin. He loves yoga. He smokes weed and he calls it grass. He lets his hair grow. He loves music festivals where he can dance freely. He doesn’t own a car and says, “The universe will provide” whenever he needs to go somewhere. Usually the universe provides one of his friends’ cars. The universe annoys his friends.

– Chas Smith