Features

The Quik Pro Gold Coast In Quotes

Funny shit what got said in, around and about the first contest of the year

“Matt Wilkinson, the pro tour journeyman from the NSW central coast, surfs like a yobbo. His wide-kneed bottom turn is as refined as a nightclub dance move. His approach to the lip looks as graceful as a suburban front-rower’s shoulder charge. And his descent back down the wave sometimes features comically flailing arms, like Wile E. Coyote when he realises he’s just overshot a cliff” — the opening to Fred Pawle’s contest write-up in The Australian.

“He’s like a good-looking hobbit. Just a nuggetty little hairy thing…” — commentator Ronnie Blakey on rookie Conner Coffin.

“If Wilko manages to lose this, he should get a custom wetsuit with the yellow jersey on it” — Matt Warshaw (@mattwarshaw) on Twitter.

“Man if Kolohe takes this so many unemployed contractors in San Clemente are gonna get drunk and punch their wives tonight” — Full-On Steez IV (@DoubleEpskiSesh) on Twitter.

“Not losing to anyone” — Wilko, post-victory, when asked the secret to his success by Pete Mel.

“His approach to the lip looks as graceful as a suburban front-rower’s shoulder charge”

“I haven’t drank this stuff in years! No taste! Rusts the pipes!” — Christian Fletcher, watching the contest with Sean Doherty, takes a swig of water.

“I haven’t actually made any plans yet… but I’m sure they’ll involve some Coronas and some friends and some wild times” — Wilko looks forward to his victory celebrations.

“I remember the first day Wilko turned up at Snapper to surf the event in 2010, he was on rollerblades and wearing a top hat.” — Sean Doherty in Surfer Mag.

"And his descent back down the wave sometimes features comically flailing arms, like Wile E. Coyote when he realises he’s just overshot a cliff”

“2016 WSL Rookies Are Like A Breath Of Fresh Air – On a Sweaty Ballbag After a 16 Hour Flight in Seat 36E” — Surf Europe’s Paul Evans getting uncharacteristically excited about the new intake.

“Bede and Strider biting through their own tongues to not call Slater’s board out as a banana-shaped piece of shit” — Matt Warshaw on Twitter.

“He’d ridden the banana board yesterday in the wrong waves for the sole purpose of making Stu’s board – a Slater Designs craft – really look the deuce in contrast” — Sean Doherty elaborates a conspiracy theory in the online pages Surfer Mag.

“I’ve just been telling him to relax. Then I just tell him to fire the fuck up! Haaaaa!” — Stu Kennedy’s coach Trent Munro tells Sean Doherty his secret formula.

“Given that he has a surfer in BOTH finals, there is NO DOUBT that Glen Hall is the best at saying, ‘don’t fall’” — Full-On Steez IV on Twitter.

“Stu is actually reading the wave really well, and he knows when to slow down and when to speed up, and he’s just doing the right manoeuvres in the right part of the wave. He’s not actually forcing it, and I think that’s the secret to surfing Snapper — letting the wave dictate what you actually do, not trying to overpower the wave” — Mark Richards

“Don’t do weak turns, don’t do weak turns! Harden up!” — Stu Kennedy recounts his internal monologue during his heat-winning wave against John John.

“I hate walking!” – Wilko as he was chaired up the beach.

“What an unbelievable feeling!!! Thank you so much to everyone I love you all ! Massive congrats to @tylerwright such a crazy time of your life to be so focused ! @koloheandino22 and @courtneyconlogue epic surfing and a huge congrats! I can’t see if auto correct has fucked me cos my screen is cracked but who gives a shit!!! Woooooooooo” — Wilko on Instagram after the win.

Pete Mel to Tyler Wright in her post-victory interview: “60% of the winners of this event go on to be world champion.”
Tyler Wright: “Yeah I realised that stat when I won last time and didn’t go on to be world champion.”

“After grinding it out on the QS for so long I just knew if I could get on some good waves and let my surfing do the talking, instead of having to surf all these beach breaks and stuff and sloppy conditions in every contest I had to go to . . .” — Stu Kennedy in his post-heat interview after taking down Medina.

“In waves like Snapper, everything about Filipe makes Kolohe look kinda softcock. To use Kong’s timeless expression. Kolohe I bet would be the first to say that to one degree or another, in CT level competition, he checks all his turns. Not a lot, but enough to see with the naked eye. Filipe and Stu both kept the rail buried longer. “Softcock” is too harsh for what Kolohe was doing. Kong invented it I believe for Mike Parsons” — Matt Warshaw interviewed on Beachgrit.

“In this event, and especially on that wave, Filipe looks unbeatable. And not in the uhhh I just need an adjective to put here sense, but in the literal sense” — Surfing Magazine’s Brendon Buckley on Filipe’s 10, and the dilemma faced by every other surfer on tour when it’s head-high or under.

“The very first wave I saw ridden in a freesurf before the event started was Filipe T. He went bottom to top faster than I’ve ever seen any surfer go” — Beachgrit’s Longtom AKA Steve Shearer.

“Why the f**k does everyone have a hard-on for people surfing at 70%?” — Albee Layer, on Instagram, bemoans the present state of competitive surfing.

“Lately I’ve been loving the ‘It’s a good day for it’. At home I’d have to finish that sentence — it’s a good day for what? — but here everyone knows what it’s good for. It’s sunny, the waves are good…” — Joe Turpel and an uncharacteristic glimmer of insight, when asked by Pottz about his favourite Australian saying.

“People were naked in the streets, dancing, falling over drunk, fornicating with their neighbours’ wives behind bushes. A bull-chested man was riding a horse bareback up and down the main street blowing a whistle and chugging tequila from a bottle” — Longtom on the local festivities after Stu Kennedy’s victory over Gabriel Medina.

“I had a pretty simple program. Every year in January and February I’d make myself two twin-fins — a 6’2 and a 6’4 — and they would be the two boards I’d ride until I got to Hawaii, and then I had three single-fins for Hawaii — a 7’0, a 7’4 and a 7’8. So I pretty much just made them go, because that was all I had” — Mark Richards recalls a simpler time.

“Why the f**k does everyone have a hard-on for people surfing at 70%?”

“With his last ‘that’s for sure’ Martin Potter broke Horace ‘That’s For Sure’ Abrams 73yr old record for most ‘that’s for sure’s of all time” — Full-On Steez IV on Twitter.

“When will the @WSL figure out Pottz and Turpel are the B announcing team. Ross Williams and Blakley should be doing the final” — Not Dane Reynolds (@Dranolds) on Twitter.

“A ‘no losers round’ is the ultimate losers round!” — Chas Smith calls for a boycott of Round 4.

“Another vestige perhaps from days when tour surfers themselves designed the tour, or if you prefer, marked their own homework a la the Financial Standards Authority, how many times are you allowed to lose a heat yet still win the comp? Twice, in fact, which is still twice too many. Jeopardy is required if some level of interest is to foster, even if that jeopardy comes via suspended disbelief. Yeah, we know Bond isn’t going to die, but we allow ourselves to pretend we think he might for the purposes of entertainment. Alas, not so in the game of surf” — Paul Evans agrees.

“A ‘veteran’ or anyone barely throwing tail is not progression is not progression it’s the opposite it’s moving backwards” — more from Albee Layer.

“After the Final, former Tour surfer Richie Lovett looked at me and asked, earnestly, ‘Could Wilko win the World Title?’ I had to stop and think, and all I could think of was Wilko collecting the World Title trophy on rollerblades.” — Sean Doherty in Surfer Mag.

“Longshot, but not impossible! Bells suits him. J-Bay suits him. Big, hollow lefts. Lowers is Snapper-like enough that you’d give him a shot there, too. I don’t think he has the head for a year-long campaign, but who knows? Potter fucked off a bunch of years on tour drinking and drugging than went on that crazy world title tear. Wilko could do the same” — Matt Warshaw on Beachgrit.

“Filipe Pulls Out Of Margaret With Groin Injury” — another inspired Surf Europe headline.