PERFORMANCE APPRAISAL: POST BELLS POWER WANKINGS
A post Bells critical performance appraisal of the top ten surfers in the world.
With two of 10 ASP World Championship Tour completed and another month till Brazil kicks off, we thought it was a good time to check out the top 10 rated surfers and appraise their individual performances. Sure we haven't actually been to any of the events, and okay we may have only see a few of the daily highlight videos from the webcast, but that doesn't stop a hard hitting technical and personal analysis of the world's best surfers. For those with a queasy stomach, or a bent for the truth, look away now.
1) Kelly Slater
Beaten by Willian Cardoso in round three at Bells, it just proved what we have been saying for the last decade; William Cardoso is in fact a better surfer than Kelly Slater. And if the judges stopped awarding points for small boards and even smaller girlfriends, Kelly Slater would be the irrelevance in surfing he should be and this 20 year running joke would be over. Having said that, he will win in Brazil, and Fiji and maybe Pipe. And probably the world title.
2) Mick Fanning
If Mick Fanning spent less time jumping up and down on large inflatable balls and surfing more, he might not have been beaten by Adriano De Souza at Bells in the quarters. That loss should have forced him into a rethink, or even better, a retirement, but he will no doubt push on, his car sponsorships and inability to go left probably netting him a third world title in 2016.
3) Taj Burrow
It’s been 15 years on tour now, and still Taj can’t work out what it is he wants from life. It can’t be a world title, and it sure as heck can’t be an endless loop of ten day holidays in places like Bells. Maybe it’s the adulation, maybe it’s the signing of young girls breasts, or just maybe he really, really, really, likes losing.
4) Adriano De Souza
The best Brazilian surfer to come out of Brazil since that last Brazilian surfer who was the best surfer to come out of Brazil, De Souza won the Bell, then broke the bloody thing, which in our books should have resulted in a final re-surf. That would have meant we could have watched that patented Bells bowl bottom hand turn one more time, the spectator equivalent of stabbing yourself repeatedly in the eye with a wasp’s dick.
5) Joel Parkinson
Weighted down with the responsibility of being a world champion, Parko dragged himself through Bells like a slug through lettuce. His round three score of 19.10 was a disgrace to the all the previous world champions and I heard CJ Hobgood was vomiting up his free Rip Curl provided meat pies when he was forced to watch it. 2012 seems so last year for Parko.
6) Nat Young
Having a better backside than Alana Blanchard got the rookie a final placing and a guaranteed blowie from any Aussie slapper that was at the event. Unfortunately for Young, he’ll soon be forced to go right, something no one has ever seen him do. Sheer unattractiveness will also probably cost him a top ten place in 2013.
7) Jordy Smith
Supposedly the form surfer of the event, the big man with the extremely closely located nipples, went down to the eventual winner in a close fought affair, the judges obviously penalising him for pure power, a terrible accent and an even worse haircut. One day he will go very close to winning a world title, but won’t.
8) Michel Bourez
The Spartan and Bells go together like milk and bourbon and the only reason he stopped his 26 hours a day workout and went surfing, was when it was ten foot for three hours. In fact in future years he is better skipping the event and spending the two weeks perfecting his upper deltoids and atrocious English.
9) Julian Wilson
Wilson is slowly working out that looking good and surfing smooth only gets you so far, and he needs to channel his inner De Souza if he is going to have any type of career in surfing. Having said that, one particular Bells evening, with the sun setting in the west, and his hair and Hurley logo glowing, he looked absolutely gorgeous.
10) Bede Durbidge
The future of surfing returned, and after two solid placings at Bells and Snapper, Bede looks to be the one setting the bar in terms of what is possible inside a two turn repertoire. At this rate, the Marty McFly of surfing will be taking surfing back to the future for at least another 18 months.