Photo: Laurel.

Nicoburg von Ruppsteinhauser is also a filthy slag who cheats on his 5’10" with his 5’11" and sometimes (gasp) his 5’8"!

It is time to admit a hard truth. A fact and uncomfortable flaw. As surfers, we are incorrigible sluts. We are serial polygamists. We are never satisfied with one true love but rather always want something more, something different. We get a surfboard, a gorgeous, new 6’2 squash tail and we paddle out on a mushy day and look over at the man riding a new 5’0 fish with lust in our eyes and lust in our hearts and want what is under him. We get a 5’7 chubby thing and paddle out on a day that is perfect and hollow and look over at the man riding a 6’2 pintail and look at him in the barrel and want what is under him. And so we build quivers. Our garages are stacked, floor to rafter, with varied and different surfboards. We gather our fishes and our squash tails and our square tails and our pintails and even some goofy fun ones, like our longboards but we are never satisfied. We always lust for more.

And it is time to stop. We are addicts and the hole in our heart will never be filled by another surfboard. It is time to find the one. To cherish the one. To travel with the one. To lay the one to rest, when it is dinged and yellowed and never surf it again. But what one? Ahhhh that is for each man to decide himself.

Maybe the one is a fish even when it is big and hollow. Maybe the one is a super high performance pintail even when it is two foot and bad. Or maybe, just maybe, the surfboard shapers are already producing the perfect board that kills the pathological need for any other. Maybe they are producing our Stepford Wife.

I submit, for discussion, Matt Biolos’s Rock Up. Matt Biolos is one of our great heroes. He makes a board like no other and while many of his shapes are beautiful, his Rock Up is beautiful and functional in so many different kinds of waves. She has the cutest little rounded pintail behind and is fuller through her midsection. She is to be ridden shorter, and I ride my own as a 5’11. She loves to play. She loves to jive and shake in everything from junk to overhead perfection. And she makes me feel like a man, an accomplished man. When I am on her, I rarely look to see what others are riding, but I feel their longing gazes looking at my Rock Up. “Coveting is a sin!" I shout and they turn away, disgusted with themselves. The Rock Up is a one.

I also submit, for further discussion, Al Merrick’s Neckbeard. The Neckbeard is Dane Reynolds’ board of choice and he rides her skillfully in all of the waves central/southern California has to offer. She has a strange behind, cut off so square, but is also fuller through her midsection. She is best in junk but also puts on a show in nice, quality waves. When I am on her I never look to see what others are riding but I feel their longing gazes. “Though shalt not covet!" I shout and they continue to gape. Addicts. The Neckbeard is a one.

In finding a one, travel becomes easier. All a one needs is a simple bag. She is less expensive to check and she is less difficult to tote and, most importantly, when sitting in a hotel room, preparing to paddle out at some exotic break, there is no internal debate. There is only one.

In finding a one, living becomes easier. When the no-goods come asking to borrow a surfboard they can be vibed, heavily, and told to fuck off. There are no extras to go around. There is no orgy. There is monogamy and love and the no-goods can fuck off. Gross derelicts.

In finding a one, love becomes easier. Sweet sweet love. There is no distraction. There is only one. Or to quote a man far wiser than me, “Is it getting better, or do you feel the same? Will it make it easier on you now, you got someone to blame?

You say... “One love, one life when it’s one need in the night. One love we get to share it. Leaves you baby if you don’t care for it. Love is a temple. Love a higher law. Love is a temple. Love the higher law."

Love is one surfboard, you dirty janky slut.

- Chas Smith