Here’s Chuck Patterson giving Pe’ahi a poling during the recent Brock swell, as filmed by PureDIGITALMaui. The description of the video on YouTube is attributed to singer-songwriter and former world champion SUP racer Ekolu Kalama, and reads as follows:

“Chuck Patterson Trying to stand out amongst the best requires a gimmick…the poor man’s Laird Hamilton looking for attention…Chuck is just a sideshow. Makahiki is over, go back to Haolewood you kook! That’s what happens when you try to kick my friend out of Little Makaha with your other meathead Filipino friend.”

If you are not familiar with Chuck Patterson and his admirable body of work, his website provides a comprehensive introduction, and will also serve as a reminder of your own worthlessness. “Versatile. Adaptable. Accomplished.” These are just “a few of the words that exemplify the spirit of the talented waterman and big mountain charger.” I’m sure we can think of others.

He is a “master of not just one or two disciplines, but seven”. These include skiing and surfing and also “speed flying”, not to be confused with flying tout court. He also has nine Skills, including Social Media and Sports Marketing, and, in an interesting spin on the Cosmological Argument, eleven Causes:

• Animal Welfare
• Arts and Culture
• Children
• Disaster and Humanitarian Relief
• Education
• Environment
• Health
• Human Rights
• Politics
• Poverty Alleviation
• Science and Technology

He makes no mention of Domestic Abuse Victims or Tax Justice, which is arguably a bit cuntish, but perhaps he considers these already covered under Human Rights and Politics respectively, and after all, there is only so much one man can do as he traverses this vale of tears… on waterskis or otherwise.