And what a fine day’s surfing it was!

Let us begin with the best heat of the day, which you really must watch: in her quarter-final against Steph Gilmore, Carissa Moore proved that at the present time she’s the best female surfer in the world by a distance. And yet she proved in her next heat that she’s far from infallible, her world title by no means preordained. She was beaten by Sally Fitzgibbons, who unlike Gilmore managed to remain unfazed by her opponent's form. Three consecutive big turns on Sal’s opening wave were followed by a mid-wave claim in the form of a brief soul-arch over a flat section -- possibly a subconscious attempt to compensate for the fact her boobies touch her knees when she bottom-turns.

In the final Fitzgibbons met Courtney Conlogue, whose victory means she pulls clear in the yellow jersey, the peloton already panting a little behind her. Has she got the legs though? Certainly she’s got the power. Often her timing’s a little out, but when she does connect properly with a section you best believe she be knocking you the fuck out. I’m aware these metaphors have become hopelessly mixed.

In the men’s event, Conner Coffin rail-gamed the shit out of his heat against Jordy and Mick, keen rail-gamers themselves; they are both yet to surf in the losers' round. Brazilian backhanders Wiggolly and Italo also advanced directly to the quarters, as did Michel Bourez, stylistically a kind of men’s Courtney Conlogue. In the two heats of Round 5 completed thus far, Nat Young saw off Mason Ho — a result that will no doubt delight surf fans the world over — while naturalised Brazilian citizen Matt Wilkinson double fist-pumped twice on the same wave to beat Julian Wilson.

Thus concludes this perfunctory contest write-up.