How To: Make Sure You (Don’t) Score Waves This Winter
Not so much 'marginal gains' as major fuckups
We hear a lot about marginal gains these days. Everything is ‘marginal gains’. British track cycling wins all the gold in the world with marginal gains. Surfing in winter, rather than marginal gains, is governed by major fuckups. There are so many things you can do make sure you don’t score, be they material, behavioural, philosophical. Let us consider the principle ones, then.
Homeslice is all in… meanwhile you’re crying about a slightly damp 4/3?
Hang Your Wettie up to Dry
“Show me a man that washes out then hangs his wetsuit up to dry religiously in the shower between each session” said Charles Bukowski, “And I’ll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities”. Ok he didn’t, it was about clean and tidy kitchens, but you get the point. Stop trying to micromanage comfort. Stop trying to arrest material decline. Empirical evidence suggests that drying your wetsuit is bad for the surf, while a sopping wet, sand coated ten kilo pile of ming, much like a grinding hangover, promotes the chance of tomorrow morn pump exponentially.
Mick & Mase scored. Not by monitoring forecasts or scouring Google Earth, merely by avoiding a set of clearly defined faux pas.
Multi Task
We headed down to surf a reef recently, me and a pal. “I just gotta drop off something at my accountants, it’s near the spot” announced my friend, once he had got in my car. Crafty fucker hadn’t mentioned it on the phone. “And then go see Some Guy real quick, like 5 mins. Then we’ll hit it, ya?” We didn’t. I mean I did, but after his errand fuckery, we were late to the tide/wind party, and he didn’t even paddle out. He’d blown his energetic wad (and nearly mine, too!) on other things and was effectively a spent force. It’s winter, it’s hard enough as it is, don’t get scattered. Don’t procrastinate. If you’re keen enough – in spite of your hemisphere being tilted away from the sun – to have freed up a couple of hours, thrown board and wetsuit in your car to go surfing, then use that momentum wisely and surf. Then deal with your shit, afterwards. And if your shit involves eating something warm and yummy, then getting high, well we certainly won’t judge.
Over-Quiver
Two boards per person, max. Nothing good has ever come from going for a day’s surfin mission and bringing three fucking boards. Option A, option B, ok? A recent scientific study in chocolate bar found the point of diminishing returns in terms of choice was 4. In winter (and there is a reasonable argument to make, at any time, any where) surfing, it’s two. If you’re a one board quiver person, if you gots something maybe a foot taller than you that you’ll paddle out on in 1ft to 10 with barely even two fecks given, much less a leash change, we salute you.
Friends of yours?
Driving in Your Wetsuit
Extreme times call for extreme measures, sure. So then, are you in Norway? Hmm? Are you in Iceland? Alaska, perhaps? No. No you’re not. Driving back home in your wetsuit after surfing is solid. Is sensible. Is sage. Getting in your car at your place of residence in your dry wetsuit and setting out in the quest for surf stoke is self-indulgent. Unless it’s a novelty sesh, a rare naughty treat. Like that one day every 7 years when it snows on the beach in SW France, for example. But other than that, it’s not so much a fashion faux pas… as giving upon life.
Check More Than Three Spots
If you’ve already checked three surf spots and are back in the car, headed to another, you’re paddling out. End of. If you’re Europe-based, you may way have noticed it’s getting dark. It’s been getting dark pretty such since breakfast. That’s coz it’s winter, asshole. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Keep out of your friends that like check everywhere’s car. Say ‘I’ll take my car and text you when I see it.’ Don’t.
Wear Male Uggs with a Slim Jean (or anything)
I’m sorry, but even in these modern times, where boundaries are blurred and everything is on a ‘spectrum’, some things are still asking for trouble. Ugg boots on a man is one very such thing. Fine, if you’re going to a fancy dress party as a WCT WAG, circa 2006. Or if you’re actually Tom Carroll. Other than that, please exercise restraint.
In the words of Charlie Murphy (to Prince) “You know where you got those, and it wasn’t the Men’s Department”
Stand Bare Feet In The Car Park In Bootie Weather
OK I might’ve mentioned this before, but it’s almost as if some of y’all weren’t taking heed. It’s still going on. Stand on your fucking shoes when you change. When I see someone unsheath warm feet from comfortable sock, then stand bare foot on freezing car park, then put booties on, a little bit of my hope for the future of our species dies.
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