JULY: TO DO
How’d your summer go? Swimmingly!
5 terrific activities to try!
1. CATCH A FISH.
Is your broke ass hungry? Did you blow your annual Sainsbury’s budget on the log above? Fret not, coz there live free dinner not far outside the lineup. In it even. Make the most of flat day ocean time by using your tackle wisely, catch free dinner and cook that on a driftwood July beach fire. Tip: Ask a fish-savvy grown-up if it’s edible. Don’t eat puffer fish.
Yep it’s probably small and piddly, it’s socially acceptable, heck even trendy these days to slouch down the beach semi dragging a heavy looking giant befinned tinted log. If you can beat ‘em, join they! Grab a dark, heavy beast of a raft and hotstep July away! Tip: Try to look dainty though. If you are on steroids, play rugby, or lift weights, just stand with your feet together in the Duke pose and let your head flop forwards.
3. MAKE A HANDPLANER.
It’s less ball ache than shaping an actual surfboard, quicker, cheaper, and harder to fuck up. Sure, it was kinda trendy the year before last but sheeyeeet, I only just got the iPhone. So what? Even if there’s no waves to bodysurf your handplaner with, it’s whittle away the flatday doldrums. Tip: watch a youtube clip on how to do it first.
4. SLEEP ON THE BEACH.
A timeless summertime rite of passage. Goes quite well with 1 and 2. Watch the stars, listen to the nocturnal chant of ocean lift and fall. Tip: Choose a spot above the high tide mark, preferably where bum rapists aren’t reputedly in abundance.
Americmen and Frenchicans celebrate emancipating themselves from the shackles of oppressive regimes in July. You too, can take a day out to declare independence from sinister forces of ‘the man’, ‘the rat race’ and ‘babylon’. Stage an irie coup, crown yourself democratically elected official law maker of high quality leisure.
“I missed 6 low tide session last month due to reasons not of my own making. I ain’t gonna take this no more! (cheeers) Tip: Don’t quit your job on principal, unless you’re stinking rich.
Swim a km in the sea (hard)
Get your teeth whitened (makes your tan stand out)
Grip flesh (not hard enough to scare it but hard enough)
Go nekid (hot days)
Carve then learn to play a Hawaiian nose flute (dying art form)