Some people think I drink too much coffee, that it makes me jittery, stressed and act weird. Well they can **** right off, coz I’m fine. I’m only shaking because I’m happy. Anyway, the urban landscape of Britain has changed. Wimpy has gone, Café Nero, Costa and Starbucks are here. And these days, every chav with a Donnay shell suit, Reebok Classics and an ASBO now knows the difference between a mochaccino and mocha choca lata yeah yeah yeah, so you’d best keep up. Start with cold milk. Skimmed works better. Also a good vessel, a straight sided, metal milk jug works best.

- Open your steam nozzle up to a good jet, with it just below the surface. Agitate the surface into bubbles, without boiling the milk. Feel with your palm on the side of the jug to ensure it’s not getting too hot, never boiling. - Timing varies, but to steam two mugs worth of milk might take around 30 seconds or so. - You can also wack the base on the worktop to consolidate your foam into a stiffer, more spoon-able mix.

What you’re left with is a jug of roughly 70/30 volume of warm steamed milk, and foam. Spoon on your foam first, then pour the milk, depending on what drink you’re making. (Warning: In France, rather than putting foamed milk atop a Cappuccino like they do everywhere else in the world, they pile up squirty cream like it was a hot chocolate. Watch out for this.)