HOW TO: CURE A HANGOVER
After ten millennia of trying, nobody has found a universal panacea. But here's our 2 cents worth.
Naum probably had a hangover in the morning, but probably didn't mind. Photo: Alex Laurel.
Evidence of alcohol consumption has been recorded in the neolithic village of Jiahu in northern China as early as 9,000 years ago, approximately the time when barley beer and grape wine were beginning to be made in the Middle East. So basically, hangovers must be the trickiest puzzle in the world, if, after ten millennia of trying, nobody has found a universal panacea.
1. Go Surfing
Cold water sorts your head out, paddling helps get blood flowing and thus works the booze out of your system. Not 100% effective, but up there. 8/10
2. Hair of the dog (that bit you)
Clear spirits are probably best here, Bloody Mary is popular, and favoured by King Carl Gustav of Sweden. In America, high-end trendy brunch spots even have 'build your own Bloody Mary' carts. Those clever Americans. 7/10
3. Full English Breakfast
A massive saturated fat, cholesterol, grease, salt and carb hit, usually goes better with fragrant cup of tea than an acidic coffee. The Full English, cuppa, wank, cuppa, nap, is fairly tried and tested, although you might still wake up feeling shit. 6/10
4. Do Coke
Glass of, not line of. Sugar hit, caffeine hit, bubbles help with nausea. Reasonably effective in the immediate short term, unlikely to actually cure it. 5/10
Bananas are full of potassium, known to need replenishing after boozing. Scientifically with merit, but seriously, do you really feel like eating a banana when hungover? Surely bananas are for when you're in a fun, upbeat mood? Or between end changes in tennis. Not when feeling like death... 5/10
6. Penetrative Sex/Tug
Good for the getting the blood going part. Can be more of a case of unfinished business than intended hangover cure. Even if it doesn't cure the hangover, it'll probably take your mind off it for a few minutes... 5/10
7. Make Yourself Sick
Too late, sunshine... should have done that last night. Tickling your puke button in the morning might help a bit overall, but the poison is well and truly in the blood, so you're committed to a hangover. Go back to bed and stay there. 4/10
8. Smoke Weed
Nobody would go on record claiming it actually got rid of the hangover, in fact, empirical evidence suggested it made a hungover person feel worse. But 100% of tokers we knew said they always smoke a spliff when hungover. Confusing. 2/10
We're not even going to mention drinking water.
Obviously you should drink water, asshole. That's like recommending breathing in and out.