With the Hawaiian season in full swing, we thought it was about time we gave you a little A-Z guide to the North Shore. Written by idiots, for idiots, here is a tiny scrap of the information you need to know to survive a Hawaiian winter. The first installment from A-L takes in everything from crack cocaine to Foodland. Super useful then.
Aloha – Hello, goodbye and everything in between. Unless you are at least second generation Hawaiian, don’t ever use it. If you try and say it the wrong way, you may feel the spirit of Aloha, right between the eyes.
Bra – As in “Yeah Bra”, a Hawaiian version of brother, although not always meaning brotherly, ie. if a large tattooed local says, “What you lookin’ at bra?” it doesn’t usually mean he wants a close relative’s view point.
Claim – Should be done at every wave at Pipe, no matter what the size. To catch a two footer at Pipe and claim it to the crowd means you have reached the very pinnacle of surfing. Ie check out the guy at 2.57 here.
Dangerous Surf Conditions – A sign posted in the sand when ever, you guessed it, there are dangerous surf conditions. Its primary use is to start North Shore video action clips, which is incidentally what we go home to watch whenever we see the sign.
Eddie Would Go – Moved from local bumper sticker saying to a trademarked corporate slogan, it refers to the legendary Eddie Aikau’s gung ho and selfless spirit. Derivations also include Eddie Wouldn’t Tow, but seeing as he died in 1977, that is rather a moot point.
Foodland – a supermarket that is spiritual and commercial home of the North Shore. Where else can you ascertain what type of shampoo Kala Alexander buys, or stand in a queue checking out Alana Blanchard’s tampon choice? No where, that’s where.
Gas Chambers – a lefthander just to the south of Rocky Rights that is in fact a 99 times out of 100 a closeout. If you get that one percent wave, look forward to then being pinned on dry, sharp, shallow coral reef by the five closeouts behind it.
Haole – Of non-Hawaiian descent. The best way to make sure you aren’t outed as a Haole is to wear a Hawaiian shirt. Works every time.
Ice – not the variety that goes in your sunset Mai Tais, but the addictive drug that is considered an epidemic in Hawaii’s poor communities. Nothing good has ever come from crystal meth, except of course those before and after Faces of Meth mugshot timelines series, which are great.
John John – So good they names him twice, John John was raised by wolves in the forest next to the Banzai, shaped his own Pipe board out of balsa at three and by aged 7 had completed the first aerial 890 in the tube at Backdoor. Or so the legend goes. He now has a house the size of Buckingham Palace at Off The Wall.
Kam Highway – Not sure how a one lane road constitutes a highway, but if you head to the North Shore in winter, you’ll be spending a lot of time on the road that runs adjacent to the famed breaks. Most of the time you’ll be stationary, caught in a traffic jam, with a SUV the size of an elephant right up your arse.
Lei – A flower necklace and traditional welcome to the islands. Make the most of the leie at the airport, because that’s the closest you will get to a sweet smelling honey-skinned local girl on your stay.