8 Vital Penis, Testicle & Bum Care Tips For the Winter Surfer

Your privates are the amazing result of millions of years of evolution. Look after them...

Every surf in every season presents a potential discomfort – if not genuine hazard – to your favourite urino-excretory organs.

Winter is no exception; the cold presents a whole set of challenges to your privates.

The whole reason your gonad(s) dangle down – the only organ not contained within your body itself – is temperature regulation.

As you are well aware, they swing lower (like dogs’) in warm weather, and cosy up to your pubis in chillier climes. If that wasn’t enough, your hoop is at risk from the cold in the form of veins popping out of the ring, while your winkle is assaulted by chill and shrinks to combat the falling mercury.


1. Cheesewire pubes. This occurs in the surf when your wiener shrinks, your pubic mane gets caught up, and then when your old boy warm and swells, your pubes ensnare themselves under the forey, effectively trying to cheesewire your skin. Almost no prevention, other than to trim those pubes, which should do anyway, coz it makes your dong your more impressive.

2. Cold bell end against leg. In cold water, your whole manhood gets cold, and warms up more slowly than the rest of you. You might find, driving home, your dome rests against your warmer thigh, like an ice cube. Uncomfortable, rather than dangerous. We consulted sages who reckon the only way around this was brief-style cacks as opposed to boxers.

3. Shrinkage. Shrinkage isn’t dangerous physiologically, but, can damage your carefully fostered rep as a legendary cocksman, like, if there are girls around and you change without towel. See (1)

4. Rough towel on cold sack. When drying, you use a non-fabric conditioned surf towel and rub it too hard on your somewhat numb scrotum. After about 3.5 seconds delay, an awful burn assaults the scrotum. Ouch! Dry carefully, more caution less haste, and don’t be afraid to use Lenor or some of those Bounce thingies in the tumble dryer…

5. Pecker/sack in zip fly. Being winter, and cold, your outdoor pre surf slash is less enjoyable. In general, everything is hurried. You know how in summer, you casually get your board out, wax it leisurely, sit on open boot for a bit. In winter, you’re in a rush… Well watch out. In your pre-surf haste, you might catch a bit of skin off the old boy. That hurts twice; once when you zip over it, twice when you unzip back. There are two instances in a man’s life when it’s OK to cry. One is the watching Legends of the Fall, this is the other.

6. Screaming knob rot. Scientists have shown that intercourse, and thus rates of STI infection peak in summer. People go on holiday, get get horny in the sun, etc. However this doesn’t mean they’re not still around in winter. They are. You still need to wear a wetsuit, so to speak, even if your victim… I mean partner, is statistically less likely to be riddled with STI’s in December than August. (N.B. ‘A friend of mine’ got it in September)

7. Bum grapes. Haemorrhoids are easier to get than spell. It’s often said they can be caused by sitting on cold surfaces, which you may well do in winter, checking the surf or waiting for a tide to change. Well the good news is this isn’t true. You can sit on cold stones, walls, etc all day and all that’ll happen is your ass cheeks will get cold. Piles are more likely to be caused by squeezing too hard when you poo, not eating enough fibre, and generally not respecting your ring.

8. Jizz in your pants. Changing tack slightly, I’ve got a buddy, then aged 31, who once jizzed in his pants in a nightclub in January. When he went outside, it got all cold, really cold, and really uncomfortable. Nothing to do with surfing as such, other than the nightlcub was the Bakoua in Hossegor, which is near the surf. He had to walk home, and it was a long walk. There is literally no precaution against this other than knocking one out just before you leave the house, which, obviously, you should always, always do.


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