‘On the fourth day of Dissmas my true love gave to me,
four condoms and a bag of sensei.’

E Double, from EPMD, from NYC. Will the ASP be in NYC in 2 thou-ellevenzy?
You better ask somebody…

Meanwhile, an elite squad of 34 warrior practitioners of the wave shredding arts has been announced, from the best of them, Kelly ‘smell you later’ Slater at no.1, and the worst of them, Gabe ‘miss piggy’ Kling at 34. Kling, along with Kai Ottz received the coveted ASP wildcards. ASP tour manager Renato, who sometimes has blonde hair, sometimes brown and shreds a twinfin or possibly quad fish, said,”Following the allocation of the two ASP Wildcards, the 2011 ASP Top 34 have been determined with the seed list below. It’s important to note that the seeding order is subject to change based on the first few qualifying events (PRIME and Star) of the 2011 season.”

1. Kelly Slater (USA)
2. Jordy Smith (ZAF)
3. Taj Burrow (AUS)
4. Mick Fanning (AUS)
5. Bede Durbidge (AUS)
6. Dane Reynolds (USA)
7. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
7. Owen Wright (AUS)
9. Jeremy Flores (FRA)
10. Adriano de Souza (BRA)
11. C.J. Hobgood (USA)
12. Michel Bourez (PYF)
13. Chris Davidson (AUS)
14. Jadson Andre (BRA)
15. Damien Hobgood (USA)
16. Kieren Perrow (AUS)
17. Brett Simpson (USA)
18. Joel Parkinson (AUS)
19. Taylor Knox (USA)
20. Heitor Alves (BRA)
21. Matt Wilkinson (AUS)
22. Bobby Martinez (USA)
23. Fredrick Patacchia (HAW)
24. Kai Otton (AUS)
25. Patrick Gudauskas (USA)
26. Tiago Pires (PRT)
27. Adam Melling (AUS)
28. Daniel Ross (AUS)
29. Raoni Monteiro (BRA)
30. Josh Kerr (AUS)
31. Alejo Muniz (BRA)
32. Dusty Payne (HAW)
33. Julian Wilson (AUS)
34. Gabe Kling (USA)

Who will win the title in 2011? Will Kelly be arsed to go for K11 in 2011? Will love handles defeat fat bums? Is Dane only pretending to be not really in to it when in fact he’s so very in to it? Will Bobby cheer the fuck up? What’s JayDub gonna do? Can Mimi, Spartan or Saca storm the Top 5? What next for Matty Wilko’s Barnet? How much longer can Taylor go? Will there be any surf?